Honestly the amount of false hatred caused by envy that I hold in my Heart makes me wonder why I’m not having heart attacks! I have a friend who is an AMAZING blogger ( like i have wanted to be a blogger/vlogger for over 5 years with zero motivation, and here she comes with a goal and boom she does it!) Then I know other people who have been vlogging on YouTube for 5 minutes compared to my 5 years and they are BOOMING! and here i am with my small outreach but instead of using that to drive me to do better, im moping about how everyone i know is better than me at things i have been wanting to do forever compared to their 4 minutes!
I feel hatred, i feel jealousy, i feel mad but the only thing i know for sure is those feelings are just a mask for depression and frustration toward myself for not getting off my now VERY fat arse and doing something about it, not fueling that desire by the negative feelings, instead i wallow… Yeah, real smart Kristy!
Side note: if you are or know who im referencing please try to see this as my journey towards self improvement because if i really look deep down, i feel those things towards myself, not you. My true and honest feelings toward you as a person is pride, pride that you are able to succeed at things im not, pride that you are achieving your goals and pride that you are walking your path.
Now back to inner rage… I sit here full from eating 2 pies, 1/4 bag of snake lollies, 1/8 block of chocolate and a late lunch of KFC and knowing that ive expressed this rage before and nothing, I have set goals before and nothing, i have even written goals in a previous post and still reverted back to where i was, i lose weight and reward myself with food i crave like a little excited puppy. So how do i change, how do i force myself to kick this inner lazy unmotivated bitch out of my head so i can start to feel pride for myself and reach my own goals!
I want to be a mediating, yoga doing, vegan who vlogs and writes her blog, I wanna receive products and items to review for people who care about my opinion, i wanna be able to jump on a trampoline with my kids and not sit on the sidelines watching my sister-in-law play with my kids instead because i exceed the weight limit and don’t wanna break it. but most of all i want to love myself, i dont wanna hate who i am, i dont wanna set goals and just not do them.
Have you experienced this, do you have any tips to help me, or do you just want to share your story too? don’t be shy, knowing you are not alone when you feel the most isolated is the best feeling ever.
…
K x
Kristy Nicholee 
Oh Babe, I am so glad I stumbled on your blog tonight. Can I just say, I know exactly what you are feeling, especially about the weightloss/health section. I have got to say, those feelings of anger/resentment are so powerful and real, but they honestly wont change anything. I have recently come to realise that until all the stuff stops, nothing else can start because those emotions, and conversations are taking up all the room.
Just know this. You are enough. You are wonderful, gorgeous and enough. Happy to talk more about this anytime babe.
Much Love, Tillie.
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You are amazing, i dont even know you and you have been so sweet to me, thank you so much for your words! I definitely need to learn to detox those feelings and let go, otherwise i will never move forward, your words mean the world! thank you for reading and sharing ❤
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Omg I swear the last part of this post is me!! So glad I found your blog! I have so many goals too (and some similar to yours) but when it comes to putting it into action I am so bloody unmotivated and so nothing changes and then I get frustrated. And then I compare myself to others. It’s a vicious cycle. I feel like lately I’m doing ok and I’m trying to be kind to myself when I stuff up, and I’ve been making small changes & celebrating even the tiniest steps towards my goals and it’s definitely a bit more manageable. Thank you for sharing – it’s nice to know I’m not the only one! Hope it gets better for ya X
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Your words means everything to me!! Thank you so much ❤️❤️❤️ I’m so proud of you for being kind to yourself! As I have just learnt. Small changes are key steps so I’m so proud of you!! ❤️❤️ keep reading and keep kind xo
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Oh my goodness, I hear you babe!! I think we all go through this during some stage of our lives and I can totally relate. Can I just say though that I love the fact that you know its up to you. A lot of people mope around and point the finger, blaming others for their unhappiness and sadly they get no where (Ive been there, Im sure we all have). I think its really beautiful that you can acknowledge whats not quite right in your life at the moment and instead of whining and blaming others you have realised that its completely up to you. A lot of people don’t realise this and aren’t actually aware of how much power they hold. So I really do think thats an awesome step towards your journey of self improvement. And ohhhh my gosh I feel ya girl!! finding the motivation can be the biggest b*tch EVER!! But keep on keeping on hun, don’t give up! Its okay to fall – everybody does, just don’t forget to hop back up again and keep trying!
Lots of love xoxo
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awe your amazing- thank you
as they say- admitting you have a problem is the first step to a better life- there’s no sense in being mad and blaming someone else because i’m not where i want to be, its not their fault. I definitely still have a lot of issues to resolve, like the fact that despite this post and the depressed feelings- since then i have eaten 4 pies and had Mcdonald’s once, i do believe my period is on its way which is most likely causing the eternal appetite and bloating, but i’m learning to listen to my body and i WILL get motivation and i will make my life what i want it. I definitely think that being honest on my blog will help to keep me honest and possibly help others going through the same things. I feel good about this. Thank you so much for your support and encouragement!! Keep in touch gorgeous x
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You are a beautiful soul and can overcome any negativity within yourself. You deserve to be happy xx
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Thank you my gorgeous! xox We will achieve our goals and get to where we wanna be! thank you for always being supportive and encouraging and most of all, for being my friend xoxo
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Wow first off well done on writing this post. We all are thinking it and I know it would have been really hard to put it out there but thank you for saying it. Secondly I hear ya. I fell you. It is really disheartening to have people come in after five minutes and be leaps ahead of some of us who have been doing this for years and have so much passion for it.
Great post lovely xxx
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Thank you so much for taking the time to share with me! 😍
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