Shocker, I have been MIA again! No surprises there eh? I’m not going to make up excuses because there really isn’t one, most people push through an obstacle, i sit and wallow in it.
This past month or so I have been battling with my depression again, nothing too extreme (thank goodness) but enough to listen to the mean girl in my head telling me that i am worthless, that no one cares about what i have to say or the posts and pictures that i put up or even in the real world where no one will care if i join them for coffee because they probably don’t even like me anyway or the hardest one, I don’t want to take my child to school because i don’t want his classmates to tease him for having a fat mom. But I won’t go too much more into it because the things my subconscious tells me are things that you wouldn’t want to hear said to another person. It gets pretty mean up in there.
I have a very unmotivated, lazy and why bother sort of personality that figures nobody cares so why should I, But then there is a pipsqueak little voice deep down that is trying to shout above it and remind me of the dreams I have not only for myself, but for my children too, it wants to tell me to screw what others think and do what I want to do, to push forward because the finish line is so much brighter, i can picture it but i have never seen it and it really is greener over there.
“the grass ain’t always greener on the other side. It’s greener where you water it“
So i’m walking in my Nana’s footsteps and i’m and going to channel her green thumb because this isn’t the life i want, not by a long shot, and I have so many goals/dreams and things I want to achieve that I don’t have time to keep wallowing in this pathetic little bubble of self loathing and misery, sure it is going to be difficult, and sure i am bound to fail plenty more times but as long as i keep getting back up, I will succeed!
Im sick of coming around to another birthday, easter, christmas and suddenly realising that i have just let my life fly by and I have done nothing with it. I want more for myself, I deserve better, and my kids deserve better!
So yet again this is ANOTHER testimony to myself and my readers that I will grow, change and shrink! there are a few plans in the works and i will post more about them at another time but for now i will sign off with a little quote i learned from a Melissa Ambrosini Book “Mastering you Mean girl”
“I love and accept myself unconditionally and wholeheartedly” ~ Melissa Ambrosini