Dear food

We need to talk, please know that what I’m about to say is about me, not you.

I think the time has come where I need to let our relationship go. It has been an good 26 years, you were always there for me whenever I needed someone to talk to, if I was lonely, and you made me feel good, no matter what. But today I realised that this relationship is not good for me, my body or my family.

We are toxic together, I’m sorry but it’s the truth. Your relationship is bad for not only my body but for my children as well. You no longer make me feel whole and warm, I no longer feel complete when we are together. Instead I feel sick, I want to vomit to make the feeling go away because I don’t know when to stop, I find it hard to breathe and I don’t feel good in anything I wear. My depression is taking over and my relationship with you is the catalyst in my bad health. I don’t want to feel this way anymore!

So I think it’s time that we break up, it’s not you, it’s me… I’m craving something else.

Something that fuels my entire body and not my emotions, something clean, light and weightless, something to give me energy and to show my children that we need to eat to live and not live to eat, so I’m sorry, but I am moving in with healthy eating tomorrow. Please have your stuff out by then. I know you’ll find happiness somewhere, but this girl is screaming to come out and I need to let her.

Me at 73kg 17 years old (2007)
Me at 73kg 17 years old (2007)

Goodbye junk food.

K x

Just stick to something;

Shocker, I have been MIA again! No surprises there eh? I’m not going to make up excuses because there really isn’t one, most people push through an obstacle, i sit and wallow in it.

This past month or so I have been battling with my depression again, nothing too extreme (thank goodness) but enough to listen to the mean girl in my head telling me that i am worthless, that no one cares about what i have to say or the posts and pictures that i put up or even in the real world where no one will care if i join them for coffee because they probably don’t even like me anyway or the hardest one, I don’t want to take my child to school because i don’t want his classmates to tease him for having a fat mom. But I won’t go too much more into it because the things my subconscious tells me are things that you wouldn’t want to hear said to another person. It gets pretty mean up in there.

I have a very unmotivated, lazy and why bother sort of personality that figures nobody cares so why should I, But then there is a pipsqueak little voice deep down that is trying to shout above it and remind me of the dreams I have not only for myself, but for my children too, it wants to tell me to screw what others think and do what I want to do, to push forward because the finish line is so much brighter, i can picture it but i have never seen it and it really is greener over there.

the grass ain’t always greener on the other side. It’s greener where you water it

So i’m walking in my Nana’s footsteps and i’m and going to channel her green thumb because this isn’t the life i want, not by a long shot, and I have so many goals/dreams and things I want to achieve that I don’t have time to keep wallowing in this pathetic little bubble of self loathing and misery, sure it is going to be difficult, and sure i am bound to fail plenty more times but as long as i keep getting back up, I will succeed!

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Im sick of coming around to another birthday, easter, christmas and suddenly realising that i have just let my life fly by and I have done nothing with it. I want more for myself, I deserve better, and my kids deserve better!

So yet again this is ANOTHER testimony to myself and my readers that I will grow, change and shrink! there are a few plans in the works and i will post more about them at another time but for now i will sign off with a little quote i learned from a Melissa Ambrosini Book “Mastering you Mean girl”

“I love and accept myself unconditionally and wholeheartedly” ~ Melissa Ambrosini

K x

Comparison is a Battle you will Never Win

Today is a normal day, #momlife trip to the supermarket for some essentials, and then i saw her.. A woman I went to Highschool with. This Woman is Stunning, she has the most amazing figure, gorgeous fashion sense, she is a real estate agent so she can afford luxury items and She drives an SUV.

As soon as I saw her, I buckled, I felt like that awkward emo fat girl from school again who felt like I should be losing weight and barely eat to look like her, and get segregated because i’m copying her out of envy.

I Immediately bowed my head hoping she wouldn’t recognise me and then my inner mean girl started talking/yelling in my head “you’re twice the size you were in school, you slob” “haha she has the job, the car, the body and you have nothing” “Kristy, Face it, You’re the BIGGEST Loser ever””You’ll Never be as pretty and successful as her!”

But you Know what, NO! I don’t WANT the Job, I can’t sell to save my life, I want to be a blogger full time. Yeah Okay I’d love a figure like hers but I will work Hard to get a figure that is perfect for me and i will have earned the beautiful slimmer clothing I will be able to wear. Kristy You have 2 amazing children and a Loving Adoring Husband And you have a fantastic life to look forward to.

Moral of the story,581621541-compare

You never know what other people are going through behind the scenes, what they have been through or, what they are going through. We can only see what they want you to see from the outside.

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I will have my perfect life and i have a pretty damn amazing one now.

Dont Compare yourself to others, Its a battle you will never win.

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Learn to love the person you are and the life you have now, and strive to achieve your dreams.

K x

P.s If you Do Read this I am So proud of the person you are, the hard work you have put in to have the life you have. I hope you achieve all of your life goals and dreams. Hopefully next time I wont be so bitter and embarrassed and I will Say Hello instead of pretending i’m invisible.

p.p.s I have updated this post to more descriptively portray the emotion that went into the encounter. This post was never about her, or her as a person. The simple fact is she inspired the post because of how i regressed to a depressed state when i saw my high school past in front of me, but it was never about her as a person.

It’s the small things

Last week i had one of the most productive “good mom” feeling days I have had in a while, we had plans to meet up with a friend of mine for a picnic at the lake so our children could run around and play while we chat!

So we got up early, packed a huge lunch and even condiments to make sandwiches, we had all kinds of fruit and snacks and set on our way.

Immediately the kids bolted to the playground and daddy was first round spectator while I prepped some sandwiches and played best fiends to pass the time till my friend and her family arrived.

Mid streak of my green leaves in level 66 I heard a lady whisper “excuse me” behind me, it was a gorgeous blonde haired woman in a dilemma, Her daughter had filled her nappy and they had forgotten their baby wipes, Of course I responded with a “Oh my gosh of course, I have been there plenty of times” And handed her the whole packet so she could use as many as she needed.

It made me think about times where I have forgotten something as simple as the baby wipes, I felt useless, the mean girl voice would tell me that i was a bad mom for forgetting something like wipes. Now i’m definitely not saying that she felt this way but we never know what people are feeling or thinking. I would have loved to have had the courage to ask a random person for wipes, for me: I would have just accepted defeat and gone home, despite having only just arrived. So to be able to do something like help a new mom out with a few baby wipes could have helped her make the most of her afternoon in the sun.

Look out for one another, even the smallest thing could change someones life

K x

I’m a Bad Mom!

Have you seen Bad Moms Yet? If not, WHY!

I literally just finished watching this movie and immediately had to blog about my experience! Let me set the scene,

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Kids are in bed, fast asleep, I have wine, a french stick bread and my favorite Basil Pesto chunky dip, headphones on, snuggled by myself on the couch, ready to emmerse myself!

Throughout this entire movie I didn’t know whether to laugh because it was so hilarious or cry because it was so relatble! They could not have picked a better cast for this movie, first of all I LOVE Mila Kunis! she just has that down to earth vibe that just makes you want to be her friend, and i don’t think anyone could have played Amy Mitchell better than she did. But to be totally honest with you, I didn’t want to blog about how good the acting was or what part was my favorite, i want to focus on the message.

As moms we always feel this constant struggle to be the best, even if we don’t judge other moms, we are always comparing ourselves or wishing we could give our kids more, be more organised, provide healthier meals, Be the impossible! But that in and of itself is impossible, there is no way we can do it all, we cant afford it all, we cant do it all and we cant be it all, but what we can do.. is try!

We work ourselves to the bone to try and prove that we are some magic super mom that quite frankly doesn’t exist, we all struggle, we all feel down and we all feel insane at times AND THAT IS OKAY!

I want to share and encourage the message, that we should never feel like we have to compete to be like another mom, cause she is most likely competing to be like someone else too and its not fair! We need to bring each other up, we need to empower other mothers and tell them that they are doing a great job, when we see that defeated look in their eye we need to reassure them that they are amazing, even a simple “i feel ya babe” glance when you see them fighting a surf board baby into a car seat.

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My blurb- My kids only eat 50-70% of their dinner every night, i have to bribe them with a treat (even just a simple hot choc) just to try and get them to eat one more mouthful, maximum 4 days a week its vegetables because i’m just too tired of battling with them to eat a simple meal and i’m just trying to get SOME food into them, they get a bath maybe once or twice a week because i’m just too exhausted at the end of the day and cannot visibly see any dirt on them, they only brush their teeth at night, sometimes less for my daughter because i cannot bare to hold her down to shove a toothbrush in her mouth because all she does is suck the toothpaste off, my son has No ears and is repeatedly doing things we have asked him not to do 5 seconds before hand, which leads to the yelling! Most days I feel like i am yelling 24/7. I’m not a creative hands on mom that will sit down to teach my kids lessons every day like colors and numbers, yeah we talk about it and i do exercises with them through daily activities but i don’t have a number of books and pens and paints to be super hands on. But despite all of those difficulties and failures, at the end of the day my children are happy, bright, loving, caring, healthy and bubbly children who will go far in life because we are learning and figuring the world out together. I don’t have it all figured out, fuck, by the posts I have done you can tell that i’m a mess, But i love my kids with everything I am and even though i’m not the perfect mom i wish i was. I Am OK. Moms, I got you! We all got each other! Share your stories, share your struggles, don’t be ashamed, don’t be embarrassed, embrace the bullshit that comes with motherhood and lets be bad moms together!

 

K x

I Just Can’t…

This month has been quite literally one of the hardest months of my life, I think i adjusted better to becoming a mum!

First big hit was finding out a very close family member is terminally ill. I then injured my knee which now means I am unable to work, exercise or walk normally, and my diet has been so all over the place that i swear I’ve gained the equivalent weight of Molly.

And despite knowing better, I made the abhorrent decision to make matters worse and self medicate with food…

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And not just some fries, I went all out! Large Boss Burger Combo + a Filet-O-Fish burger! All because i let my emotions take over, I have just been given almost a month off work following my doctors appointment today, a referral to a counselor and medication to relieve anxiety, I cried most of my docs appointment and was filled with fear about telling my boss I need more time off work when she is already unsupportive and livid that i have had 2 weeks off already. Needless to say, the only way i knew I could feel better was food. Why is this a norm for me, i didnt enjoy it at all, it didnt help me in the slightest, i still have all the same feelings only now i have added regret, nausea and self loathing. Im so mad that instead of meditating or reading a book or even blogging about it, I went straight for the drive through. Ugh I just can’t. Thanks for the Vent!

Have you overcome this urge? any tips are most welcome!

Gratitude is a disappearing virtue!

Too often we focus on what we don’t have, what we are missing, what we wish we had, or what others have that we want. We forget to stop and take a look at the blessings we do have in our lives, the family we have, the luxuries or the simple things.

In a split second the world around you can get turned upside down, a very close family member can be given a deadly diagnosis even when they are the healthiest person you know. You could be thrown into a grim situation or just simply be in the wrong place at the wrong time and lose everything you knew

So today I want to share the things i am most grateful for!

  • My Family, I have a small immediate family but we are all super close and love each other with everything we are. We are never far from each others thoughts and enjoy every moment we have together.
  • My Body, I am grateful for my healthy body, even though its large, every blood test I have comes back exceptional, I am rarely sick and have all functioning limbs.
  • My ability to have children, I count my blessings every day that i was able to have 2 beautiful and healthy children. My heart goes out to all women who struggle or are unable to have a family.
  • My Husband, we have our ups and downs for sure, but despite any spat we may have, we are always able to work it out and come back together stronger than before. My Husband loves absolutely everything about me and reminds me everyday. I am so grateful so have found such a loving and accepting man to spend my life with and raise our family.
  • My Finances. I never thought i would say this, and even though i have debt collection bills and bad credit, I am grateful for my government for the allowances I am entitled to while I work my part time job so that i am able to provide delicious food and a happy loving environment for my children
  • My Mother, not only did she raise me to be loving, open minded and understanding, she always makes sure i have everything i need, she is always there no matter the time or place and sacrifices herself to make sure others are okay. She continues to support me no matter what, including opening up her warm loving home for my family in our time of need.

I’m sure there are many more things i could list but those are the main ones i wanted to focus on, because these are the ones we tend to take for granted.

My Task for you is to comment 3 things you are grateful for in this very moment that you are reading this.

 

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K x

Dads have it tough too

I have been talking a lot to a friend of mine lately who brought to my attention that single dads do not get enough recognition! I totally agree, I may not see the ones who are out there sharing that story because honestly- being a married woman/mother, I don’t look for it. We Have Mom-Models we look up to like Maria Form Happy Mum Happy child Who is an amazing woman who shows us the good the bad and the ugly and encourages mums to know that just because we share the good and happy moments, doesn’t mean we don’t suffer behind the camera. She is amazing, But for the Dads out there, Married, in a relationship or single, we don’t see their side. Perhaps that is because they don’t like to share or encourage the way that we Woman do but for this post I wanted to feature My friend and his good and bad as a Father.

Meet Matt, He is a Single Dad to a Beautiful little Boy Named Jackson, he works 2 jobs and still manages have an amazing co-parenting agreement which allows him to be a dad for 3-4 days out of the week. I feel I also need to mention that it is seen way to often that co-parenting is made so difficult for either parties for personal reasons over child related reasons so to see that Matt and his Ex have this amazing agreement really shows their maturity towards each other and proves that their child really does come first, so without even getting into the post I think you two are phenomenal people and i have the utmost respect for both of you as parents and as people.

Recently Matt Shared a post to his personal Facebook page which heed an amazing response and gave him the idea to collaborate with me on a post to get the word out there.

“Kids are awesome, even when they are having a random tantrum, under the table, at dinner time, because….some reason i haven’t worked out yet? Shout out to all the parents who understand this joy 😂 its still the best job ever.”

Matt and Jax

“Update from the other pic. To be fair, being a parent, in any context, IS hard work. We are generally pretty quick show off our cute moments and perfect picture’s but we know that the daily reality isn’t always so photogenic. So … yeah, Jackson kicked my arse tonight and that’s actually okay too? Still ended with him being fed, bath, stories, cuddle, bed…it all just took a bit longer tonight 😂’

Matt and Jax 2

Y’all got this mums and dads.👍”

Short yet Powerful, All to often we see our friends and acquaintances sharing photos and posts about their awesome day, or how well behaved their child has been or a cool place they have gone. Nothing is wrong with that at all but it can lead to insecurities, making us feel or think that we aren’t good parents, or don’t earn enough, or whatever the case may be! Every one struggles, everyone has bad days, and the best we can do is to encourage and support one another and not pass judgment on what may be a mirage.

What are our thoughts on this topic? Should Matt start a blog? Please share this story to show others they are not alone.

k x

Why all the Envy!?

Honestly the amount of false hatred caused by envy that I hold in my Heart makes me wonder why I’m not having heart attacks! I have a friend who is an AMAZING blogger ( like i have wanted to be a blogger/vlogger for over 5 years with zero motivation, and here she comes with a goal and boom she does it!) Then I know other people who have been vlogging on YouTube for 5 minutes compared to my 5 years and they are BOOMING! and here i am with my small outreach but instead of using that to drive me to do better, im moping about how everyone i know is better than me at things i have been wanting to do forever compared to their 4 minutes!

I feel hatred, i feel jealousy, i feel mad but the only thing i know for sure is those feelings are just a mask for depression and frustration toward myself for not getting off my now VERY fat arse and doing something about it, not fueling that desire by the negative feelings, instead i wallow… Yeah, real smart Kristy!

Side note: if you are or know who im referencing please try to see this as my journey towards self improvement because if i really look deep down, i feel those things towards myself, not you. My true and honest feelings toward you as a person is pride, pride that you are able to succeed at things im not, pride that you are achieving your goals and pride that you are walking your path.

Now back to inner rage… I sit here full from eating 2 pies, 1/4 bag of snake lollies, 1/8 block of chocolate and a late lunch of KFC and knowing that ive expressed this rage before and nothing, I have set goals before and nothing, i have even written goals in a previous post and still reverted back to where i was, i lose weight and reward myself with food i crave like a little excited puppy. So how do i change, how do i force myself to kick this inner lazy unmotivated bitch out of my head so i can start to feel pride for myself and reach my own goals!

I want to be a mediating, yoga doing, vegan who vlogs and writes her blog, I wanna receive products and items to review for people who care about my opinion, i wanna be able to jump on a trampoline with my kids and not sit on the sidelines watching my sister-in-law play with my kids instead because i exceed the weight limit and don’t wanna break it. but most of all i want to love myself, i dont wanna hate who i am, i dont wanna set goals and just not do them.

Have you experienced this, do you have any tips to help me, or do you just want to share your story too? don’t be shy, knowing you are not alone when you feel the most isolated is the best feeling ever.

K x

 

If you don’t have anything nice to say…

Thank goodness for this post by the amazing Maria Foy from “Happy Mum, Happy Child“! I see this way too often, some people way too often have burning comments and opinions that they just can’t hold on to, I even had a stranger make a comment about my Parenting with Molly just the other day and I was horrified!
Molly was putting up a fight to sit back down in the trolley at countdown, she was bored and standing up in the seat because she wanted to get out (i was standing right in front of her as the buckles don’t hold down a determined 2 year old) So to avoid the scream and possibility the falling out of the trolley, I picked her up and held her on my hip (also its the rare opportunity for me to get a cuddle) and continued to browse the vegetable stock, the woman next to me decided it was her turn to weigh in. ” that’s it now, she knows how to get what she wants and shes never going to listen now, shes figured out your weakness” (I am ad-libbing here as i don’t remember the exact words) I stood there like a deer in headlights, horrified that someone would actually say something like that but i kept my calm and politely explained that she is a very well behaved girl and listens when she needs to and that we have a very good relationship she was just bored (as is most children that go to the supermarket) My husband was too far away to hear what the woman said and was just as horrified as i was when i told him what happened. I found solace when i heard and agreeable chuckle from the mother standing near us in the next isle while I informed my husband of what was said. I live by these two mantras that i was taught when i was a child “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you” and “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it at all” I wish with all my heart that other would too. We as mothers get enough controversial advice from enough people without the 2 cents worth from a stranger in a supermarket which in itself is hard enough with a child sometimes!
I love the support and kindness Us women have for each other Mothers.
K x