2016 Can fuck right off! | New Years Resolutions

As you have probably noticed, i have been MIA for the last month and a bit, with good reason I promise.

If you saw my last post you know that my grandmother died last month after a very short and sudden battle with melanoma cancer. From diagnosis to death was about 6-8 weeks. For an extremely healthy and active 67 year old, its safe to say we are still in shock. I took a leave of absence from all my social media since as i couldnt pretend that everything was okay anymore. I was drowning, i would cuddle a blanket that she made me every night to fall asleep and if i didnt have that blanket then i would cry.

I found a screenshot in my camera roll of a text message she sent me when she was sick, 1 month before she died.

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This Broke Me!
Then a few days later at my new job, my facebook memories showed me this gem on Boxing day.

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This was Molly’s First Christmas, and for those of you who haven’t seen my Name reveal video on my You-tube, wont know that Molly’s Full Name is Molly Elizabeth, After my Nana, Elizabeth Margaret. This was a huge honor to my Nana and it quickly developed a beautiful bond between the two, even if molly hadn’t seen Nana in months, she always knew who she was and opened arms wide for a cuddle (even if she was having a clingy day and wouldn’t go near anyone else. Molly always opened her arms for her Great Nana.
So of course memories of this day and every other moment these two shared, and the notion that there will be no more pages to their book brought me to the floor, at work.

So as you can see, its been a hard road. and its not getting any easier, I’m just learning to cope better. But Nana wouldn’t want me to be this sad, she would want me to have my moment and then pull myself up and continue.

One thing i wanted to do before we knew how long she had left was show her that i can be the strong and independent woman she would want me to be, healthy mind body and soul and doing what I love. She grew her wings before i could show her that im not a loser. So with that i move on and up, 2016 held nothing special for me, I coasted through the whole year, i achieved nothing other than gaining another 10 kg.

I know they always say not to push for goals unless they are for yourself but i have a very minuscule opinion of myself and cant even get out of my bed for myself at my level of depression, so Nana, I will achieve my goals, FOR YOU.

So with the negative out of the way, here are a few very small and very achievable goals I have set for myself so next Christmas is filled with positivity and accomplishment

  • Move out of my Mums and into a Rental of our own (well on our way to this as we are viewing 2 houses next week)
  • Lose 2-4 kg per month
  • Upload a blog post 1- 2 times per week
  • Upload 1 youtube video per week
  • Save Money
  • Do 1 photo-shoot by the end of the year (Jackie If you read this, Your my goals ❤ )

I figure the smaller the goal, the more achievable it is. I am constantly attached to Facebook so i will link my public page here so you can see how im going, see when i upload new content and share your journey with me as well! I also have a private group too if you want to join that, here. (I havent used it in a long time but i would like to have a space where more private people can share where they are at x)

2017 will NOT be another fail year!! We got this Babies!

K x

 

 

Life In a Blender

September dealt me the worst hand i have ever had to experience.

Within 2 months my Nana has gone from Happy, Healthy, Fit, taking multivitamins, regular walks, exemplary diet. a very young 67 year old, to gaunt, barely walking, barely talking, cant get out of bed, minimal appetite. She is no longer the Nana I remember.

My Nana has been diagnosed with a very severe, aggressive case of Melanoma Cancer.

At the rate it is going, we are going to be lucky to see Christmas Day with her.

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I cant even begin to explain the toll this has had on our close knit family, My Aunty (who moved home from Sydney over a year ago and has been residing in the upstairs portion of the family home with her husband and children since) and My Granddad have pulled strength from every ounce of their being to ensure she has the best care she could possibly get, but still she declines.

I don’t really know how to explain this properly or even portray how i feel, I have never lost anyone this close to me before, which is why I haven’t been blogging much, i haven’t been able to control my eating or exercise and the emotional toll its taking is beyond anything i could have prepared for. I know she is going to die, i cant imagine my life without her. She has always been supportive, loving and accepting of me and my decisions, even though i always felt like the black sheep, the failure of the family. My cousin (it was always us 2 grandies, we grew up like siblings) He went to the NZ Army, Got buff, saved his money and traveled… I am morbidly obese, i don’t have a job, nor do i know what career i wanted to pursue, highly depressed and zero self confidence. I’m the Failure. When i found out about her cancer i said to myself that i wanted to do everything i could to prove to her that i’m not the dropkick of the family, I can get healthy and make something of myself, Ill make her proud, then my family told her I felt that way

“I am already proud of her i always have been, she has an amazing family and is a fantastic mother, and that isn’t an easy thing to do”

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Well SHIT Nana… picturing her saying those words is the most valuable thing in the world to me, because knowing we may not even ring in Christmas day with her has sent me in so much of a rut that i’m nearing 130 kg and cannot stop emotionally eating.

I know this post is completely spastic and makes zero sense but right now this is my brain, I am so emotionally drained that i can barely function past looking after my children, i’m lucky if i shower more than once a week.. (gross but true)

I felt it was about time i shared whats really been holding me back, i have only told a handful of people and its hard to admit to, people also don’t really understand how serious it is, they assume she has a few years left… nope.. not even 3 months.

She will never see my children into their teens, or turn 21, nor will she see them get married, the chances of seeing my son start his first day at school are slim to none… Im not ready…

 

K x

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