4 Years a Bride :: 5 tips for a successful relationship

On the 23rd of March My Husband and I Celebrated 4 years as a married couple.

We literally did nothing to celebrate other than exchanging a few sweet words, watching a show together after the kids when to bed, and stuffing our faces with takeout food.

But seeing as we have been together for over 8 years I wanted to shed some light on things that we have learned that make us a strong and happy couple.

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Communications is KEY!!

Talk, talk, talk, talk talk! If something is bothering either of you, Talk! If you had a bad day, Talk! If they are struggling at work, TALK! No matter WHAT you MUST talk and LISTEN to one another! even if your significant other is annoying you and bothering you, the only way to work through it is to talk about it right away! Neither of you are mind readers!

Make time just to BE together

Whether its a movie night at home after the kids are asleep, a Date night at nice restaurant or just being alone together, no matter how you organise it, it is VERY important to just be with one another. Catch up on the days events, share a meal or in our case, play a computer game together!

Surprises

See something you know they’ll love online? Buy it for them! Make them their favourite meal, or even something as simple as getting them a drink without asking them, or coming home from the supermarket with their favourite treat. no matter how big or small, a surprise can make them feel so special and loved!

Show your partner that you appreciate them

This goes hand in hand with the surprises thing, but be sure to let them know that you appreciate them, the smallest gesture of appreciation makes all the difference, take notice when they go out of their way to do something for you, or for the household or even for a friend of theirs, whatever it is, express yourself and let them know that you appreciate what they do and who they are!

And last but not least

Support them No Matter WHAT!

Probably one of the most important tips I have is to support them in EVERYTHING they do, whether its a career change, a new hobby, an old hobby, a health and fitness decision, or a diet change, or maybe its a past mistake rearing its ugly head again. No matter what may arise, you need to show up for them and prove to them that despite how they feel, or paranoia about a situation, as long as they have you by their side to coach them through it and encourage their decision and support them then they can achieve anything, and so can you. It goes both ways.

These are 5 of the many things i have learned from being with my Husband for the past 8 years. Do you have any tips of your own to share? Let me know!

K x

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What If I Told You That You Could Make Your Dreams Come true?

This morning I had the pleasure to have a conversation with Mel Rose- A Blogger/Youtuber I have followed for over 5 + years, and now have the pleasure to call a Friend. She has just released an E-Book (Or essay as she calls it) called “3 simple ways to live a happier life (instantly)” and We were talking bout happiness and temporary set backs.

I spoke a little of what My Family and I are going through as of late and one thing I said to her reminded me of why I started this blog and Why i want to continue it.

Too often we get so wrapped up in what is going on around us that  we either forget our direction and why we are doing this or we just coast along and start to believe that we are not meant for anything else.

Do something for me, Picture your Dream life- not just a typical image of what society deems a perfect life but really dig deep, envision you career, envision your relationships, where are you living? What are you doing? Who are the people around you?

Now write it down, on your phone, on your computer, on paper- however just write it down.

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Now what would you say if i told you that its 100% possible for you to have that life? Would you believe me?

No Of course you wouldn’t, that seems outrageous right? Now while I don’t have my dream life YET I do know that if i work hard for what i want, i can create my perfect world.

You don’t have to stay in that dead end job, hell you can create a position in any career you choose, you can create a career from literally anything, you enjoy writing, be a writer, you enjoy painting? then paint or like i just said to my husband 2 minutes ago “if you want a decent Stargate SG1 game, Create it” Even he believes he couldn’t do it, because he too has been conditioned to think you have to start from the bottom of a career chain to get anywhere and that isn’t true at all!

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Now I haven’t even begun to scratch the surface of where i want my life to go but the first thing you need to know is that to be able to drive that force, you need to not only believe that it can happen, but also love yourself wholeheartedly the way you are right now to allow those paths to open, and most importantly allow yourself to be happy. Too often we aren’t happy with our weight, our relationships, our jobs and our whole life, that we start to tell ourselves that we don’t deserve that happiness or that opportunity that may present itself.

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You are no good to your dreams or yourself if you keep pouring from an empty cup, Fill your own cup first and give to the world from the energy that overflows. I heard this quote first when i was listening to a Melissa Ambrosini Book on Audible called “Mastering your Mean Girl” And it has resonated with me since, and i reference this quote almost everyday!

So go and buy that self development book, go out for that coffee, get your hair done, go to the gym.. Whatever will help you fill your cup and boost yourself to make that courageous change, Do it!

And don’t thank me for it, Thank yourself, Because you are the only you there is and you are Perfect just the way you are

Breaking the Silence : I tried to take my own life!

As some of you may know, For a job i deliver Publications around my local town, One of which is the NZ Herald, Today the front page was about a new series they are starting called “Breaking The silence” and Its all about the gruesome truth about teen suicide, Unbeknownst to me, NZ has the highest teen suicide rate in the world and I was almost one of them. So to follow in the footsteps of the New Zealand Herald, I am breaking my silence. Very few people know this about me so I am risking a lot of questions here from those who surround me that read my blog, but If i can help even just one person realize the value of their life, or let just one person know that they are not alone, or encourage one person to come forward and speak up then it will all be worth it.

So Yes, I tried to take my own life, several times. Depression hit around 12 or 13 (Well, i realized what it was at that age) by this age i had already endured some less than nice comments about my weight from family members, one being my great grandmother and the other being a father figure, comparing “skinniness” to a childhood friend, or being told i needed to “suck it in” Not to mention the many bad haircuts. I coped, it didn’t really affect me at the time, it seemed normal to me, that is just how things were. Then my world came crashing down at around 11 years old when Mum met a man and decided to move from our seemingly cute little home just out of Auckland to a tiny little town in the middle of the North Island, Bye bye Happiness and confidence. Initially i tried to be excited, the opportunity to make new friends, and experience a new place again was exciting (we moved a lot) But no, Day one at a new intermediate school also happened to be April fools day to which i was greeted by Vegemite under my desk “Its a prank bro, its a prank” Yeah not funny when you have no one to laugh with. Not long after than i had earned the nickname “Bakery” i’ll give you a second to guess how i achieved that nickname… “I had more rolls than a bakery…” Geniuses they were not but it still cut deep, I learned to smile through it, after all, at 3 pm we get to go home right? Home is a safe and comfortable place… Not anymore, The man mum had moved us in with was less than ideal, no matter how hard i tried, nothing could shake the bad feeling i got from him, i would step on eggshells, lash out for no reason, and lock myself away as often as i could, I guess this is where the Anxiety first came on (Not that i knew what anxiety was) Music seemed to be my only salvation, I could put my headphones on and block out the world, it was my happy place, till i got called out to the family room, dragged along to some event or had to go back to school, somehow school didn’t seem so bad after a while. I managed to make a couple of friends and I coasted by.

High school is a whole other story, The music got darker, the deep hatred for everything in my life got bigger, my persona got darker, and the self hate tripled. In the first year, I started to cut myself, I had no one to talk to about the hurt and hate, My mum was too engrossed in the love she had for this seemingly perfect man of her dreams and to finally have a companion after years of being a single mother, and all she seemed to see of me was a juvenile delinquent daughter who just wanted to wreak havoc on her step ford home. I never felt comfortable talking to my friends because all i could think to myself was that they didn’t really like me at all, i was just the extra person hanging off their group. Alongside the cutting i tried to take control of my weight the only way i knew how, I mean, you cant gain weight if you just don’t eat anything right, or if you eat, just throw it up, easy! this became my life, I mean, how much more of a perfect way to avoid family dinners if i just don’t eat them! and the cutting… well that exchanged the emotional pain for physical pain and that was just so much easier to manage, i didn’t have to talk and it was easy to hide. But when the physical pain stopped helping I tried to make it end for the first time. I don’t remember what happened to lead up to this point, it could have been inappropriate comments from my “Stepdads friends”, it could have been the bullying, but I remember being up really late at night and hunting through the house for whatever pills i could find, a bottle of my stepdads alcohol, and a bit of orange juice to try and make it taste better, and started popping the pills… obviously it didn’t work, my body rejected everything, and i vomited for hours, (bonus for the eating disorder right) and then i went to sleep, only to get up the next morning, slap a smile on my face and pretend like nothing had happened, smiles to hide tears. then a few months later, i met a boy, he seemed to really like me, His dad was friends with my stepdad through a local activity the did together, and we hit it off really well, he became my salvation, we became very close, i was about 14/15 years old at the time, and we lost our virginity together, i started to see a light and life seemed worth living again. We dated for a few months, he lived in a another town with his mum and often visited his dad on the weekends as he was 2 years older and had a car. Skip forward to my schools prize giving, a friend was receiving an award and i really wanted to support him, that same night, mum and her boyfriend had a BBQ at their friends house, they said i could go to this prize giving but i had to leave an hour before it was scheduled to end, and being someone who was spending her days as a shadow, there was no way i was going to get up in front of my entire school to leave, and despite my argument, which admittedly on my part did get a heated and loud (they just weren’t understanding me), i decided to go and sit outside on the curb as i had totally embarrassed myself at their friends house having this argument and didn’t wanna sit around all the snooty people judging me. I was determined to sit out there till it was time to go home, mum came out to try and get me to go inside but no dice. So my stepdad tried to give it a go, drunk. (he’s a pretty heavy drinker) He tried to express how appalled he was at me to treat my mother the way i did, so i proceeded to remind him that he is not my father and i couldn’t care less what he thought of me, a few more colorful words back and forth ends in him pushing me to the ground with his hand around my neck (I was still sitting on the curb) and then swung against mums car, a very poor attempt to help bring me inside, clearly this resulted in shock, a struggle to get him away from me and running away. I ended up at a friends house where she gave me marijuana to calm down, mum and her man tried to come pick me up after their party but clearly i wasn’t going anywhere with him. So my friends and I decided to go for a walk to get some “munchies” and get free for a while, Prior to this i had tried to ring my boyfriend to tell him what had happened and try to get him to take me away from his nightmare, to which he responded the he didn’t want to get involved as my stepdad was also a friend of his and that he thought it best to take a break from the relationship, the ultimatum was given that he either wanted me or he didn’t, to which he didn’t. Cue my world crashing, the light was gone, and attempt number 2 on my life happened, as we were walking in the fresh night air i heard a train, holding back tears i headed for the tracks, “this time it will definitely work!” I clearly forgot i had two people with me who stopped me going further. I eventually went home after 3 days, pretending life was perfect again, I met some new people, a few years older than me, and turned to drinking, and smoking, i was never home and i was numb. The eating disorder was still there, and i started cutting myself again, but i was getting by, staying at friends houses, or sneaking home when the mum and her boyfriend were asleep.

Fast forward give or take a year, a failed unfaithful relationship and an abortion later, attempt number 3 was made, this time in the form of a very deep cut on my wrist, deep enough for mum to send me to a doctor for stitches, apparently it was my closest call yet.

After this, action was taken, I was moved to my grandparents house, changed schools, was put on a lot of anti depressant pills and sent to a psychiatrist, none of which worked and one more attempt was made, This is when I tried to cut my neck, this is one no one else has ever known about and it wasn’t deep at all, more like a light cut/deeper scratch which I had to hide with high neck tops and scarves people joked that I had hickeys on my neck, to which I laughed along with them but inside I was panicking that they would try an remove my scarf,  i would dream about my Nana’s sleeping tablets and get up in the middle of the night to hold and look at them but something held me back from taking them.

Over the next few years I cut my legs and lighter cuts on my wrists to relieve emotional pain, and I still battled on and off with my eating disorder till I hit 18. But as far as I can remember I didn’t make any further attempts on my life.

To this day, i still suffer with severe depression, I cringe when I hear a train, I am broken and hide inside myself when my depression takes over me, if I see someone’s scars I feel their pain and  being double the weight i was and still hate myself immensely and don’t even get me starts in my social anxiety, I barely leave my house but My life is worthy, and so Is yours. It may not seem like it at times but there is hope, there is help and there are others. You are not alone!

My story may not make any sense and i have tried to keep it as simple as i could as well as trying to tell 10 years of my depression in a way that can be understood but like I said, If i can help just one person then opening my soul to the world would all be worth it.

This goes without saying but if you don’t have something positive to say, please don’t say it,  I genuinely felt like my peers and family were better if without me there, I was a burden, and inconvenience, they didn’t need that extra anguish, so please know this before commenting about selfishness! this is my story and it is very raw in my heart, I only have the very best intentions in sharing this and i don’t want to hear your comments unless they are kind and positive.

If you or someone you know is suffering then please reach out, don’t brush it off, it could save their life. 

Call Lifeline 24/7 Helpline:0800 543 354 

Or visit their website for information http://www.lifeline.org.nz/Suicide-Intervention_2022.aspx

If you believe you, or someone you know, may be in immediate danger, please call 111. 

Thank you for taking the time to read this hefty novel of a post, I appreciate you!

You are worthy! Your life is Irreplaceable!

K x

Stuck Between a Harley Quinn & A Glam Barbie

Almost everyone I see on social media has their preferred style, whether it be glam, punk, grunge, princess, sporty or what, But for my entire life i have never known where I fit in. I have tried many different styles.

I’ve tried the punk sort of emo Look…

I’ve Had “Try Hard Chic”

 

Then there was “I’m Trying”

Followed by, “I’m a mum now, I no longer care about me”

Slowly transitioning into “okay I’m having another baby now, get your shit together” -Part of getting my shit together was marrying my Boyfriend of 4 years as we had a second baby on the way and figured it was about time because we had been engaged for 3 years 😂

Then a while later I tried the classic “If i dress sporty then maybe I will want to workout” Style

And within the last year alone I have tackled, Harley Quinn Unique, Fashionista Chic, and Effortless Casual and a bit of Glam Barbie

And after all of that… I still have no idea which trend or style i want to stick with, i love being all glam and pretty but i also LOVE the idea of cos-playing Harley Quinn (ya’ll Know i have an insane obsession) then another part of me loves the sporty look with chokers and hats, leggings and over-sized tops, and a total other side of me also wants to follow the high fashion, designer chic style or the Tatted babe with piercings! I am totally conflicted, can there really be room in my head for every style i have tried? have you suffered from this dilemma or are you totally sure of yourself and queen you rock your look! Help a Babe! How did you find your niche?

K x

Dear food

We need to talk, please know that what I’m about to say is about me, not you.

I think the time has come where I need to let our relationship go. It has been an good 26 years, you were always there for me whenever I needed someone to talk to, if I was lonely, and you made me feel good, no matter what. But today I realised that this relationship is not good for me, my body or my family.

We are toxic together, I’m sorry but it’s the truth. Your relationship is bad for not only my body but for my children as well. You no longer make me feel whole and warm, I no longer feel complete when we are together. Instead I feel sick, I want to vomit to make the feeling go away because I don’t know when to stop, I find it hard to breathe and I don’t feel good in anything I wear. My depression is taking over and my relationship with you is the catalyst in my bad health. I don’t want to feel this way anymore!

So I think it’s time that we break up, it’s not you, it’s me… I’m craving something else.

Something that fuels my entire body and not my emotions, something clean, light and weightless, something to give me energy and to show my children that we need to eat to live and not live to eat, so I’m sorry, but I am moving in with healthy eating tomorrow. Please have your stuff out by then. I know you’ll find happiness somewhere, but this girl is screaming to come out and I need to let her.

Me at 73kg 17 years old (2007)
Me at 73kg 17 years old (2007)

Goodbye junk food.

K x

Just stick to something;

Shocker, I have been MIA again! No surprises there eh? I’m not going to make up excuses because there really isn’t one, most people push through an obstacle, i sit and wallow in it.

This past month or so I have been battling with my depression again, nothing too extreme (thank goodness) but enough to listen to the mean girl in my head telling me that i am worthless, that no one cares about what i have to say or the posts and pictures that i put up or even in the real world where no one will care if i join them for coffee because they probably don’t even like me anyway or the hardest one, I don’t want to take my child to school because i don’t want his classmates to tease him for having a fat mom. But I won’t go too much more into it because the things my subconscious tells me are things that you wouldn’t want to hear said to another person. It gets pretty mean up in there.

I have a very unmotivated, lazy and why bother sort of personality that figures nobody cares so why should I, But then there is a pipsqueak little voice deep down that is trying to shout above it and remind me of the dreams I have not only for myself, but for my children too, it wants to tell me to screw what others think and do what I want to do, to push forward because the finish line is so much brighter, i can picture it but i have never seen it and it really is greener over there.

the grass ain’t always greener on the other side. It’s greener where you water it

So i’m walking in my Nana’s footsteps and i’m and going to channel her green thumb because this isn’t the life i want, not by a long shot, and I have so many goals/dreams and things I want to achieve that I don’t have time to keep wallowing in this pathetic little bubble of self loathing and misery, sure it is going to be difficult, and sure i am bound to fail plenty more times but as long as i keep getting back up, I will succeed!

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Im sick of coming around to another birthday, easter, christmas and suddenly realising that i have just let my life fly by and I have done nothing with it. I want more for myself, I deserve better, and my kids deserve better!

So yet again this is ANOTHER testimony to myself and my readers that I will grow, change and shrink! there are a few plans in the works and i will post more about them at another time but for now i will sign off with a little quote i learned from a Melissa Ambrosini Book “Mastering you Mean girl”

“I love and accept myself unconditionally and wholeheartedly” ~ Melissa Ambrosini

K x

Comparison is a Battle you will Never Win

Today is a normal day, #momlife trip to the supermarket for some essentials, and then i saw her.. A woman I went to Highschool with. This Woman is Stunning, she has the most amazing figure, gorgeous fashion sense, she is a real estate agent so she can afford luxury items and She drives an SUV.

As soon as I saw her, I buckled, I felt like that awkward emo fat girl from school again who felt like I should be losing weight and barely eat to look like her, and get segregated because i’m copying her out of envy.

I Immediately bowed my head hoping she wouldn’t recognise me and then my inner mean girl started talking/yelling in my head “you’re twice the size you were in school, you slob” “haha she has the job, the car, the body and you have nothing” “Kristy, Face it, You’re the BIGGEST Loser ever””You’ll Never be as pretty and successful as her!”

But you Know what, NO! I don’t WANT the Job, I can’t sell to save my life, I want to be a blogger full time. Yeah Okay I’d love a figure like hers but I will work Hard to get a figure that is perfect for me and i will have earned the beautiful slimmer clothing I will be able to wear. Kristy You have 2 amazing children and a Loving Adoring Husband And you have a fantastic life to look forward to.

Moral of the story,581621541-compare

You never know what other people are going through behind the scenes, what they have been through or, what they are going through. We can only see what they want you to see from the outside.

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I will have my perfect life and i have a pretty damn amazing one now.

Dont Compare yourself to others, Its a battle you will never win.

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Learn to love the person you are and the life you have now, and strive to achieve your dreams.

K x

P.s If you Do Read this I am So proud of the person you are, the hard work you have put in to have the life you have. I hope you achieve all of your life goals and dreams. Hopefully next time I wont be so bitter and embarrassed and I will Say Hello instead of pretending i’m invisible.

p.p.s I have updated this post to more descriptively portray the emotion that went into the encounter. This post was never about her, or her as a person. The simple fact is she inspired the post because of how i regressed to a depressed state when i saw my high school past in front of me, but it was never about her as a person.