Why all the Envy!?

Honestly the amount of false hatred caused by envy that I hold in my Heart makes me wonder why I’m not having heart attacks! I have a friend who is an AMAZING blogger ( like i have wanted to be a blogger/vlogger for over 5 years with zero motivation, and here she comes with a goal and boom she does it!) Then I know other people who have been vlogging on YouTube for 5 minutes compared to my 5 years and they are BOOMING! and here i am with my small outreach but instead of using that to drive me to do better, im moping about how everyone i know is better than me at things i have been wanting to do forever compared to their 4 minutes!

I feel hatred, i feel jealousy, i feel mad but the only thing i know for sure is those feelings are just a mask for depression and frustration toward myself for not getting off my now VERY fat arse and doing something about it, not fueling that desire by the negative feelings, instead i wallow… Yeah, real smart Kristy!

Side note: if you are or know who im referencing please try to see this as my journey towards self improvement because if i really look deep down, i feel those things towards myself, not you. My true and honest feelings toward you as a person is pride, pride that you are able to succeed at things im not, pride that you are achieving your goals and pride that you are walking your path.

Now back to inner rage… I sit here full from eating 2 pies, 1/4 bag of snake lollies, 1/8 block of chocolate and a late lunch of KFC and knowing that ive expressed this rage before and nothing, I have set goals before and nothing, i have even written goals in a previous post and still reverted back to where i was, i lose weight and reward myself with food i crave like a little excited puppy. So how do i change, how do i force myself to kick this inner lazy unmotivated bitch out of my head so i can start to feel pride for myself and reach my own goals!

I want to be a mediating, yoga doing, vegan who vlogs and writes her blog, I wanna receive products and items to review for people who care about my opinion, i wanna be able to jump on a trampoline with my kids and not sit on the sidelines watching my sister-in-law play with my kids instead because i exceed the weight limit and don’t wanna break it. but most of all i want to love myself, i dont wanna hate who i am, i dont wanna set goals and just not do them.

Have you experienced this, do you have any tips to help me, or do you just want to share your story too? don’t be shy, knowing you are not alone when you feel the most isolated is the best feeling ever.

K x

 

The Depression is in Me.

Its been about a week since I posted about my depression and the idea that i may be going on medication to help. Well my little fairies, i did it! I am now officially on anti-depressants as of Wednesday last week.

My doctor and i had a wee chat about why i was asking and all that necessary mumbo. As i said in my last post, i do have a previous history of depression in which medication was highly recommended but I was adamant that i didn’t need them, It was the doctors that were crazy and drug happy, not me. I could do it on my own!

Well NO! I couldn’t! 10 years, 2 kids, a marriage and 50kgs later I realized I can’t do it on my own. And that is OKAY! I’m not the supermom/woman that i aspire to be, i’m not as strong as i thought, i tried to prove myself and all i proved was that i’m emotionally weak with a binge eating disorder, no control and totally anxious!– Which by the way, I’ve heard people talk about anxiety but i never really knew what it was or if i even had it, but after a little bit of research and understanding i realize that it’s actually the name for alot of my feelings. I had no idea.

Anywho! :: like i said, my doctor and I had a short chat so she could understand where my head was at after all this time, she could read from my file that there was a history but being a new doctor, she wanted to hear it from me. So she asked me a few questions in which i answered truthfully (for once in my life) she caught me trying to justify those feelings or actions and her response was pretty much reassuring me that i don’t need to justify anything, the way I feel and how I am is okay and quite frankly she is amazed at how i have coped this long with what i have been through. I tried to explain that “I know from the outside it may seem like i have gone through a fair bit, but there are millions of other people out there that are going through or have been through worse” and her response shocked me into reality “But Kristy, That’s not YOUR life, They aren’t YOU” and it resonated with me. I have spent so much time pushing myself and my own feelings under the rug (essentially making them worse) purely because i didn’t think i was worthy of feeling that way, other people i don’t know, or have never met/associated with have been through worse than i have. I felt like i wasn’t worthy of feeling the pain, the emotion, the hurt, the hate and the anger of my past. My doctor was taken a back by the fact that she had to tell me that. So without hesitation the prescription was printing.

It was very surreal to allow myself these feelings after 10 years.

I have been on these meds for just under a week now and they are still kicking in, the first day was amazing, i felt mind clarity and i caught myself smiling out the window a few times, which shocked me because it was a miserable raining day! HaHa! But i felt peaceful, for all i know it could have been a placebo effect of just knowing i was taking them making me feel better, because currently i’m wondering if maybe I need a higher dose. I have been assured it can take a couple of weeks for them to properly kick in so i’m going to wait before I increase it. However, I did forget to take a tablet yesterday and i felt clouded and drained and very tired all day and i didn’t feel better until after a bottle and a half of my fave wine and 4 episodes of Black List snuggled on the couch with my husband while eating bad food. Today I’m back on track, I had breakfast and took my tablets. I haven’t done anything productive but I’m listening to some chill Indie music on spotify, i have applied for 3 new jobs and am writing this post, after which i will be writing my goal list and maybe even an Inspo board. So I guess there might be something to these pills.

Ill keep a weekly or fortnightly update on how i’m doing and how i’m feeling just to keep track for myself and maybe I might help one of you. Just remember, Feeling Anxiety, depression, sadness, anger, fear,worthlessness is OKAY! don’t hide those feelings. Don’t push them aside because you don’t think your worthy of feeling that way. More importantly DON’T BE AFRAID to ask for help. If your healthcare professional isn’t listening or helping you sufficiently then find someone else who will. Each and every one of your feelings ARE VALID. Your allowed to feel that way and your allowed to seek help. ITS ENCOURAGED! I’m here to listen to anyone if you just want an anonymous ear to listen to you, or alternatively you can call your local helpline to seek advice. Please don’t hide, Speak up! The more people who speak up, the less it will be brushed off! Our voices need to be heard!

I love each and every one of you!

You-Are-Loved-Watercolor

K x

Theres Depression in all of us

Hey All,

Its been a hot minute since i have put up a blog post, which upsets me because i really want to work hard at this and make a good name for my brand. But lets get real for a minute.

I have suffered with depression since i was about 13, Possibly earlier. So i’m no stranger to the feeling of anxiety, self hatred, and thoughts of self harm, worthlessness and all the other battles we go through. I have also battled with and probably still battle with eating disorders but that’s a blog for another day.

Recently i have been feeling this way again, for years I suppressed it and was adamant that i could handle it on my own, without therapy or medication, until recently. I still to this day cannot accept the way i am and hate almost every part of my body, i have zero energy to be a good and active engaging parent (thank god for my husband, that guy deserves a trophy) and although i am amazing at making lists and plans, even writing goals, I am terrible at following through. I cannot remember the last time i completed anything.

I hate the way I am living my life, I hate the person I have become, but no matter how much i pray for the will to change, i cannot drum up the energy to keep going let alone start.

I have never really been open with this and those around me might be shocked to know it, I’m a very big “fake it till you make it” person, but it just wont cut it anymore, i’m sick of the negative energy i bring myself so this week i will be visiting my doctor to go on an antidepressant. The last time i was offered them by a doctor i threw them in my doctors face and told them I didn’t need them (i was 15 and very rebellious to authority)

If you have a similar story, or are one who has hidden the truth from those they love, Be honest with yourself and those who care about you. ITS OKAY! Its okay to feel this way, and its MORE THAN OKAY to ask for help, it doesn’t make you any less of a person, it doesn’t make you weak, it wont defeat you. If anything it will make you stronger, having the courage to say you need help is one of the most admirable and strong things you can do.

Start small, and you can conquer all

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Print By Viva La Vector – I got this as a gift from her and Its so nice to have a little reminder that I can do Anything!

K x

 

What’s In a Name

“What’s in a name? That which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet.”

Romeo and Juliet (II, ii, 1-2)

I wanted to take a bit of time to focus on my brand name. “Spills and Serenity”

Those of you who have ventured over here from my social media would know that I used to go by “MissKriiiisty” when i first started my YouTube channel 4 years ago.

When I became pregnant and after the birth of my son, i struggled for years to keep up with my content, keeping it consistent and keeping up with the beauty blogger category i had put myself into. Beauty and Make up was no longer a priority, i still very much enjoyed it, but i had been given a new hat to wear. The Mom Hat. I was lucky if i wore make up once a week, hell i was lucky if i showered once a week – Gross i know but don’t judge!

My priorities changed, my passions changed, I changed. I did go through a very tough time with postnatal depression as well as the severe clinical depression I was diagnosed with at 14 so i struggled a lot, self-esteem issues were through the roof and i battled my own demons constantly. Then we started trying to conceive Molly, which in turn took me further than ever from the “Beauty Vlogger” category, I wanted to vlog my pregnancy updates, cravings, symptoms, gender prediction tests. All of the things i didn’t know about when we were trying to conceive Mayson. I went through a couple more name changes, (like this blog post if your were around for MissMommmy) but nothing seemed to resonate with how i felt as a person and who i wanted to become.

After ALOT of deliberation back and forth as well as constant admiration of Amber Marie’s consistency and determination (not to mention how pretty) her blog is, during a coffee date one day, I picked her brain. She knew things i couldn’t have imagined about the creativity of a website, things i was so closed off to because i felt like a foreigner in my own space. She threw ideas at me and gave me so many suggestions that when i went home that night it struck me “SPILLS AND SERENITY”. I immediately rang her to see what she thought of the idea and after explaining how i came up with it she loved it, more importantly, I LOVED IT.

For the first time in years I felt like i had found my brand, the name in which to represent my name, my family, and my goals. So here goes.



SPILLS

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Kristy – 2 Years

The SPILLS portion of the name references to the ups and downs, the mistakes and messes of mother hood, and the tragedies of drama, self-doubt and the over all emotional roller-coaster that is LIFE



SERENITY

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Serenity is the Zen, peaceful body you become when you have reached your goals, accepting you for who you are, changing what makes you unhappy, and becoming the person ou dreamt you could be. Living in a serene world where nothing can get you down because you know who you truly are.



 

So basically to sum it all up, I want to share my journey from the messy and sporadic life I live now, and work my way to a peaceful and serene life i dream of.

Thank you so much for reading and I would love to hear your stores in the comments.

K x

Fitness Update

So to follow-up from my last post… I have done 2 more walks since, one that almost killed me, and one that didn’t ha ha

Monday last week, 4th of April 2016 Mum convinced me to walk to the lake, around it, and back home again… My Heart Rate literally spiked to over 155 bpm! i had to stop every few minutes and I felt pain in every inch of my body. but aside from all that I was so proud to have pushed through it and just did it. It took me about 3 days to recover in which i haven’t been making the best food choices. ALOT better, but still not great. Then thursday came and I caved in to having a McDonald’s Breakfast.. Naughty I KNOW! the guilt got to me too and i went for a walk to make myself feel better So Mum and I went for a 30 minute walk around the lake, this time we drove there due to my fitness levels being so low i couldn’t handle it the last time. The lake walk is gorgeous so It’s a great incentive to get out and get some exercise, It’s just under 3 kms and takes me about 30 mins to walk around.

With my Diet still not great, the weekend did not consist of any extra exercise, to be fair though, it was pouring rain the entire weekend. Still No takeout, and have been eating a lot more veges but still not the best. Slow and steady wins the race right?

Wednesday came around and I had just finished work at about 6:30 AM and I thought to myself “you know what, before it pisses down with rain again, I’m going to go for a walk” So 6:30 Wednesday morning i went for another walk around the lake.

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It is now Friday, I havent been for another walk, and we just had lasagna for dinner, not the healthiest but i did add 1/3 of a bag of spinach and 3 carrots into the mixture to make it a bit healthier. I also want to note that as much as my day walks have been minimal, i do have a somewhat active job delivering the New Zealand herald 7 days per week, which consists of getting in and out of my car 150 times which according to my fit bit burns around 500 calories depending on how fast i go to get my heart rate up. Mum and i are going for a walk tomorrow to get coffee again so that will be nice.

Now you have a run down of how my last week has gone, I wanted to share with you A haul video I uploaded to my YouTube Channel of all the healthier foods we bought for the week, this will give you a fair idea of how i have been eating.

 

hEALTHY FOOD HAUL
Healthy Food Haul

I wanted to start a new Series on my blog where i list my top 5 goals for the following week, and every friday i will do a summary of how that week went. so here goes…

My Goals for the week of the 18th April are::

  • Star logging my Meal in My Fitness Pal to keep track of my eating habits and portions and water intake
  • Go for a walk 3 time per week
  • attempt Yoga 1-2 times per week
  • Go to bed before 10pm
  • No Soft Drink

What are your goals for the week? Comment here or TWEET me!

Much Love

K x

Whose this bish

Well of course I saw someone else doing something I have previously failed at, felt jealous/envious and decided to try and possibly fail AGAIN- but anywho, we have met right? No? Okay well let me introduce myself again–

My name is Kristy, I’ll be 25 on the 21st of Feb, am married to a man named Daniel and together we have two children, Mayson 3 and Molly 18 months. Hubby is currently a stay at home dad/IT Genius and I work part time delivering news papers. I’ve been overweight my entire life and always battled with myself over who I really am, what style and what interests I have- And I’m getting to the point where I need to figure it out and fast because I don’t want my insecurities to rub off on my children and haunt them too.

but enough of the depressing bull shit!!

this is my place to learn, to share, to express, and to grow. I want to share vlogs and tutorials, beauty and life, weight loss ups and downs, product reviews and family.

Stick around, share your stories, follow along and join the fun in watching an adult learn lessons and life.