Breaking the Silence : I tried to take my own life!

As some of you may know, For a job i deliver Publications around my local town, One of which is the NZ Herald, Today the front page was about a new series they are starting called “Breaking The silence” and Its all about the gruesome truth about teen suicide, Unbeknownst to me, NZ has the highest teen suicide rate in the world and I was almost one of them. So to follow in the footsteps of the New Zealand Herald, I am breaking my silence. Very few people know this about me so I am risking a lot of questions here from those who surround me that read my blog, but If i can help even just one person realize the value of their life, or let just one person know that they are not alone, or encourage one person to come forward and speak up then it will all be worth it.

So Yes, I tried to take my own life, several times. Depression hit around 12 or 13 (Well, i realized what it was at that age) by this age i had already endured some less than nice comments about my weight from family members, one being my great grandmother and the other being a father figure, comparing “skinniness” to a childhood friend, or being told i needed to “suck it in” Not to mention the many bad haircuts. I coped, it didn’t really affect me at the time, it seemed normal to me, that is just how things were. Then my world came crashing down at around 11 years old when Mum met a man and decided to move from our seemingly cute little home just out of Auckland to a tiny little town in the middle of the North Island, Bye bye Happiness and confidence. Initially i tried to be excited, the opportunity to make new friends, and experience a new place again was exciting (we moved a lot) But no, Day one at a new intermediate school also happened to be April fools day to which i was greeted by Vegemite under my desk “Its a prank bro, its a prank” Yeah not funny when you have no one to laugh with. Not long after than i had earned the nickname “Bakery” i’ll give you a second to guess how i achieved that nickname… “I had more rolls than a bakery…” Geniuses they were not but it still cut deep, I learned to smile through it, after all, at 3 pm we get to go home right? Home is a safe and comfortable place… Not anymore, The man mum had moved us in with was less than ideal, no matter how hard i tried, nothing could shake the bad feeling i got from him, i would step on eggshells, lash out for no reason, and lock myself away as often as i could, I guess this is where the Anxiety first came on (Not that i knew what anxiety was) Music seemed to be my only salvation, I could put my headphones on and block out the world, it was my happy place, till i got called out to the family room, dragged along to some event or had to go back to school, somehow school didn’t seem so bad after a while. I managed to make a couple of friends and I coasted by.

High school is a whole other story, The music got darker, the deep hatred for everything in my life got bigger, my persona got darker, and the self hate tripled. In the first year, I started to cut myself, I had no one to talk to about the hurt and hate, My mum was too engrossed in the love she had for this seemingly perfect man of her dreams and to finally have a companion after years of being a single mother, and all she seemed to see of me was a juvenile delinquent daughter who just wanted to wreak havoc on her step ford home. I never felt comfortable talking to my friends because all i could think to myself was that they didn’t really like me at all, i was just the extra person hanging off their group. Alongside the cutting i tried to take control of my weight the only way i knew how, I mean, you cant gain weight if you just don’t eat anything right, or if you eat, just throw it up, easy! this became my life, I mean, how much more of a perfect way to avoid family dinners if i just don’t eat them! and the cutting… well that exchanged the emotional pain for physical pain and that was just so much easier to manage, i didn’t have to talk and it was easy to hide. But when the physical pain stopped helping I tried to make it end for the first time. I don’t remember what happened to lead up to this point, it could have been inappropriate comments from my “Stepdads friends”, it could have been the bullying, but I remember being up really late at night and hunting through the house for whatever pills i could find, a bottle of my stepdads alcohol, and a bit of orange juice to try and make it taste better, and started popping the pills… obviously it didn’t work, my body rejected everything, and i vomited for hours, (bonus for the eating disorder right) and then i went to sleep, only to get up the next morning, slap a smile on my face and pretend like nothing had happened, smiles to hide tears. then a few months later, i met a boy, he seemed to really like me, His dad was friends with my stepdad through a local activity the did together, and we hit it off really well, he became my salvation, we became very close, i was about 14/15 years old at the time, and we lost our virginity together, i started to see a light and life seemed worth living again. We dated for a few months, he lived in a another town with his mum and often visited his dad on the weekends as he was 2 years older and had a car. Skip forward to my schools prize giving, a friend was receiving an award and i really wanted to support him, that same night, mum and her boyfriend had a BBQ at their friends house, they said i could go to this prize giving but i had to leave an hour before it was scheduled to end, and being someone who was spending her days as a shadow, there was no way i was going to get up in front of my entire school to leave, and despite my argument, which admittedly on my part did get a heated and loud (they just weren’t understanding me), i decided to go and sit outside on the curb as i had totally embarrassed myself at their friends house having this argument and didn’t wanna sit around all the snooty people judging me. I was determined to sit out there till it was time to go home, mum came out to try and get me to go inside but no dice. So my stepdad tried to give it a go, drunk. (he’s a pretty heavy drinker) He tried to express how appalled he was at me to treat my mother the way i did, so i proceeded to remind him that he is not my father and i couldn’t care less what he thought of me, a few more colorful words back and forth ends in him pushing me to the ground with his hand around my neck (I was still sitting on the curb) and then swung against mums car, a very poor attempt to help bring me inside, clearly this resulted in shock, a struggle to get him away from me and running away. I ended up at a friends house where she gave me marijuana to calm down, mum and her man tried to come pick me up after their party but clearly i wasn’t going anywhere with him. So my friends and I decided to go for a walk to get some “munchies” and get free for a while, Prior to this i had tried to ring my boyfriend to tell him what had happened and try to get him to take me away from his nightmare, to which he responded the he didn’t want to get involved as my stepdad was also a friend of his and that he thought it best to take a break from the relationship, the ultimatum was given that he either wanted me or he didn’t, to which he didn’t. Cue my world crashing, the light was gone, and attempt number 2 on my life happened, as we were walking in the fresh night air i heard a train, holding back tears i headed for the tracks, “this time it will definitely work!” I clearly forgot i had two people with me who stopped me going further. I eventually went home after 3 days, pretending life was perfect again, I met some new people, a few years older than me, and turned to drinking, and smoking, i was never home and i was numb. The eating disorder was still there, and i started cutting myself again, but i was getting by, staying at friends houses, or sneaking home when the mum and her boyfriend were asleep.

Fast forward give or take a year, a failed unfaithful relationship and an abortion later, attempt number 3 was made, this time in the form of a very deep cut on my wrist, deep enough for mum to send me to a doctor for stitches, apparently it was my closest call yet.

After this, action was taken, I was moved to my grandparents house, changed schools, was put on a lot of anti depressant pills and sent to a psychiatrist, none of which worked and one more attempt was made, This is when I tried to cut my neck, this is one no one else has ever known about and it wasn’t deep at all, more like a light cut/deeper scratch which I had to hide with high neck tops and scarves people joked that I had hickeys on my neck, to which I laughed along with them but inside I was panicking that they would try an remove my scarf,  i would dream about my Nana’s sleeping tablets and get up in the middle of the night to hold and look at them but something held me back from taking them.

Over the next few years I cut my legs and lighter cuts on my wrists to relieve emotional pain, and I still battled on and off with my eating disorder till I hit 18. But as far as I can remember I didn’t make any further attempts on my life.

To this day, i still suffer with severe depression, I cringe when I hear a train, I am broken and hide inside myself when my depression takes over me, if I see someone’s scars I feel their pain and  being double the weight i was and still hate myself immensely and don’t even get me starts in my social anxiety, I barely leave my house but My life is worthy, and so Is yours. It may not seem like it at times but there is hope, there is help and there are others. You are not alone!

My story may not make any sense and i have tried to keep it as simple as i could as well as trying to tell 10 years of my depression in a way that can be understood but like I said, If i can help just one person then opening my soul to the world would all be worth it.

This goes without saying but if you don’t have something positive to say, please don’t say it,  I genuinely felt like my peers and family were better if without me there, I was a burden, and inconvenience, they didn’t need that extra anguish, so please know this before commenting about selfishness! this is my story and it is very raw in my heart, I only have the very best intentions in sharing this and i don’t want to hear your comments unless they are kind and positive.

If you or someone you know is suffering then please reach out, don’t brush it off, it could save their life. 

Call Lifeline 24/7 Helpline:0800 543 354 

Or visit their website for information http://www.lifeline.org.nz/Suicide-Intervention_2022.aspx

If you believe you, or someone you know, may be in immediate danger, please call 111. 

Thank you for taking the time to read this hefty novel of a post, I appreciate you!

You are worthy! Your life is Irreplaceable!

K x

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Just stick to something;

Shocker, I have been MIA again! No surprises there eh? I’m not going to make up excuses because there really isn’t one, most people push through an obstacle, i sit and wallow in it.

This past month or so I have been battling with my depression again, nothing too extreme (thank goodness) but enough to listen to the mean girl in my head telling me that i am worthless, that no one cares about what i have to say or the posts and pictures that i put up or even in the real world where no one will care if i join them for coffee because they probably don’t even like me anyway or the hardest one, I don’t want to take my child to school because i don’t want his classmates to tease him for having a fat mom. But I won’t go too much more into it because the things my subconscious tells me are things that you wouldn’t want to hear said to another person. It gets pretty mean up in there.

I have a very unmotivated, lazy and why bother sort of personality that figures nobody cares so why should I, But then there is a pipsqueak little voice deep down that is trying to shout above it and remind me of the dreams I have not only for myself, but for my children too, it wants to tell me to screw what others think and do what I want to do, to push forward because the finish line is so much brighter, i can picture it but i have never seen it and it really is greener over there.

the grass ain’t always greener on the other side. It’s greener where you water it

So i’m walking in my Nana’s footsteps and i’m and going to channel her green thumb because this isn’t the life i want, not by a long shot, and I have so many goals/dreams and things I want to achieve that I don’t have time to keep wallowing in this pathetic little bubble of self loathing and misery, sure it is going to be difficult, and sure i am bound to fail plenty more times but as long as i keep getting back up, I will succeed!

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▼VII ▲VIII

Im sick of coming around to another birthday, easter, christmas and suddenly realising that i have just let my life fly by and I have done nothing with it. I want more for myself, I deserve better, and my kids deserve better!

So yet again this is ANOTHER testimony to myself and my readers that I will grow, change and shrink! there are a few plans in the works and i will post more about them at another time but for now i will sign off with a little quote i learned from a Melissa Ambrosini Book “Mastering you Mean girl”

“I love and accept myself unconditionally and wholeheartedly” ~ Melissa Ambrosini

K x

Life In a Blender

September dealt me the worst hand i have ever had to experience.

Within 2 months my Nana has gone from Happy, Healthy, Fit, taking multivitamins, regular walks, exemplary diet. a very young 67 year old, to gaunt, barely walking, barely talking, cant get out of bed, minimal appetite. She is no longer the Nana I remember.

My Nana has been diagnosed with a very severe, aggressive case of Melanoma Cancer.

At the rate it is going, we are going to be lucky to see Christmas Day with her.

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I cant even begin to explain the toll this has had on our close knit family, My Aunty (who moved home from Sydney over a year ago and has been residing in the upstairs portion of the family home with her husband and children since) and My Granddad have pulled strength from every ounce of their being to ensure she has the best care she could possibly get, but still she declines.

I don’t really know how to explain this properly or even portray how i feel, I have never lost anyone this close to me before, which is why I haven’t been blogging much, i haven’t been able to control my eating or exercise and the emotional toll its taking is beyond anything i could have prepared for. I know she is going to die, i cant imagine my life without her. She has always been supportive, loving and accepting of me and my decisions, even though i always felt like the black sheep, the failure of the family. My cousin (it was always us 2 grandies, we grew up like siblings) He went to the NZ Army, Got buff, saved his money and traveled… I am morbidly obese, i don’t have a job, nor do i know what career i wanted to pursue, highly depressed and zero self confidence. I’m the Failure. When i found out about her cancer i said to myself that i wanted to do everything i could to prove to her that i’m not the dropkick of the family, I can get healthy and make something of myself, Ill make her proud, then my family told her I felt that way

“I am already proud of her i always have been, she has an amazing family and is a fantastic mother, and that isn’t an easy thing to do”

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Well SHIT Nana… picturing her saying those words is the most valuable thing in the world to me, because knowing we may not even ring in Christmas day with her has sent me in so much of a rut that i’m nearing 130 kg and cannot stop emotionally eating.

I know this post is completely spastic and makes zero sense but right now this is my brain, I am so emotionally drained that i can barely function past looking after my children, i’m lucky if i shower more than once a week.. (gross but true)

I felt it was about time i shared whats really been holding me back, i have only told a handful of people and its hard to admit to, people also don’t really understand how serious it is, they assume she has a few years left… nope.. not even 3 months.

She will never see my children into their teens, or turn 21, nor will she see them get married, the chances of seeing my son start his first day at school are slim to none… Im not ready…

 

K x

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I’m a Bad Mom!

Have you seen Bad Moms Yet? If not, WHY!

I literally just finished watching this movie and immediately had to blog about my experience! Let me set the scene,

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Kids are in bed, fast asleep, I have wine, a french stick bread and my favorite Basil Pesto chunky dip, headphones on, snuggled by myself on the couch, ready to emmerse myself!

Throughout this entire movie I didn’t know whether to laugh because it was so hilarious or cry because it was so relatble! They could not have picked a better cast for this movie, first of all I LOVE Mila Kunis! she just has that down to earth vibe that just makes you want to be her friend, and i don’t think anyone could have played Amy Mitchell better than she did. But to be totally honest with you, I didn’t want to blog about how good the acting was or what part was my favorite, i want to focus on the message.

As moms we always feel this constant struggle to be the best, even if we don’t judge other moms, we are always comparing ourselves or wishing we could give our kids more, be more organised, provide healthier meals, Be the impossible! But that in and of itself is impossible, there is no way we can do it all, we cant afford it all, we cant do it all and we cant be it all, but what we can do.. is try!

We work ourselves to the bone to try and prove that we are some magic super mom that quite frankly doesn’t exist, we all struggle, we all feel down and we all feel insane at times AND THAT IS OKAY!

I want to share and encourage the message, that we should never feel like we have to compete to be like another mom, cause she is most likely competing to be like someone else too and its not fair! We need to bring each other up, we need to empower other mothers and tell them that they are doing a great job, when we see that defeated look in their eye we need to reassure them that they are amazing, even a simple “i feel ya babe” glance when you see them fighting a surf board baby into a car seat.

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My blurb- My kids only eat 50-70% of their dinner every night, i have to bribe them with a treat (even just a simple hot choc) just to try and get them to eat one more mouthful, maximum 4 days a week its vegetables because i’m just too tired of battling with them to eat a simple meal and i’m just trying to get SOME food into them, they get a bath maybe once or twice a week because i’m just too exhausted at the end of the day and cannot visibly see any dirt on them, they only brush their teeth at night, sometimes less for my daughter because i cannot bare to hold her down to shove a toothbrush in her mouth because all she does is suck the toothpaste off, my son has No ears and is repeatedly doing things we have asked him not to do 5 seconds before hand, which leads to the yelling! Most days I feel like i am yelling 24/7. I’m not a creative hands on mom that will sit down to teach my kids lessons every day like colors and numbers, yeah we talk about it and i do exercises with them through daily activities but i don’t have a number of books and pens and paints to be super hands on. But despite all of those difficulties and failures, at the end of the day my children are happy, bright, loving, caring, healthy and bubbly children who will go far in life because we are learning and figuring the world out together. I don’t have it all figured out, fuck, by the posts I have done you can tell that i’m a mess, But i love my kids with everything I am and even though i’m not the perfect mom i wish i was. I Am OK. Moms, I got you! We all got each other! Share your stories, share your struggles, don’t be ashamed, don’t be embarrassed, embrace the bullshit that comes with motherhood and lets be bad moms together!

 

K x

I Just Can’t…

This month has been quite literally one of the hardest months of my life, I think i adjusted better to becoming a mum!

First big hit was finding out a very close family member is terminally ill. I then injured my knee which now means I am unable to work, exercise or walk normally, and my diet has been so all over the place that i swear I’ve gained the equivalent weight of Molly.

And despite knowing better, I made the abhorrent decision to make matters worse and self medicate with food…

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And not just some fries, I went all out! Large Boss Burger Combo + a Filet-O-Fish burger! All because i let my emotions take over, I have just been given almost a month off work following my doctors appointment today, a referral to a counselor and medication to relieve anxiety, I cried most of my docs appointment and was filled with fear about telling my boss I need more time off work when she is already unsupportive and livid that i have had 2 weeks off already. Needless to say, the only way i knew I could feel better was food. Why is this a norm for me, i didnt enjoy it at all, it didnt help me in the slightest, i still have all the same feelings only now i have added regret, nausea and self loathing. Im so mad that instead of meditating or reading a book or even blogging about it, I went straight for the drive through. Ugh I just can’t. Thanks for the Vent!

Have you overcome this urge? any tips are most welcome!

#TBT My First YouTube Video

So on Monday, I was looking through my old videos to show a friend on twitter that you can still do a make up video without having the High end filming equipment that most girls use today. In looking back for My First Make up Tutorial i also stumbled across my first ever YouTube video and man does it make me cringe!

My First YouTube Video!

It was a 46 Questions tag to introduce myself and it was filmed on an old boxy, White Macbook Pro in photobooth! I was nervous as hell pausing on questions like when is your birthday because I wasnt sure if i should say the year, I kept looking at myself in the screen and playing with my hair, and i was trying way too hard to make sure i looked the part.

More importantly, the point of this blog post is that.. I do not recognise that person. It was Pre Children, Pre baby body, like 30-40kgs lighter, and not to mention the overkill side part!

In listening to the answers I realized that I lied to make myself seem more interesting and generic to the other beauty vloggers, Half of the answers i wouldn’t even think to pick now, like my fave restaurant? Pah lease! i went there once and i NEVER eat at restaurants, since then (5 years ago) i have been to a handful of places. And my fave snack, are you kidding me?! Unsalted peanuts? who the fuck are you! and by the way they are NOT really good for you, DOOFUS!

I was trying so hard that I don’t even recognise who she is, and while i may love the fact that she is a lot slimmer and loved herself alot more than I do I’m more true to who I am now and honest about my thoughts and opinions.

What did you think of the video? Do you look back and wonder the same? how far have you come? What is your throwback?

k x

Why all the Envy!?

Honestly the amount of false hatred caused by envy that I hold in my Heart makes me wonder why I’m not having heart attacks! I have a friend who is an AMAZING blogger ( like i have wanted to be a blogger/vlogger for over 5 years with zero motivation, and here she comes with a goal and boom she does it!) Then I know other people who have been vlogging on YouTube for 5 minutes compared to my 5 years and they are BOOMING! and here i am with my small outreach but instead of using that to drive me to do better, im moping about how everyone i know is better than me at things i have been wanting to do forever compared to their 4 minutes!

I feel hatred, i feel jealousy, i feel mad but the only thing i know for sure is those feelings are just a mask for depression and frustration toward myself for not getting off my now VERY fat arse and doing something about it, not fueling that desire by the negative feelings, instead i wallow… Yeah, real smart Kristy!

Side note: if you are or know who im referencing please try to see this as my journey towards self improvement because if i really look deep down, i feel those things towards myself, not you. My true and honest feelings toward you as a person is pride, pride that you are able to succeed at things im not, pride that you are achieving your goals and pride that you are walking your path.

Now back to inner rage… I sit here full from eating 2 pies, 1/4 bag of snake lollies, 1/8 block of chocolate and a late lunch of KFC and knowing that ive expressed this rage before and nothing, I have set goals before and nothing, i have even written goals in a previous post and still reverted back to where i was, i lose weight and reward myself with food i crave like a little excited puppy. So how do i change, how do i force myself to kick this inner lazy unmotivated bitch out of my head so i can start to feel pride for myself and reach my own goals!

I want to be a mediating, yoga doing, vegan who vlogs and writes her blog, I wanna receive products and items to review for people who care about my opinion, i wanna be able to jump on a trampoline with my kids and not sit on the sidelines watching my sister-in-law play with my kids instead because i exceed the weight limit and don’t wanna break it. but most of all i want to love myself, i dont wanna hate who i am, i dont wanna set goals and just not do them.

Have you experienced this, do you have any tips to help me, or do you just want to share your story too? don’t be shy, knowing you are not alone when you feel the most isolated is the best feeling ever.

K x