We need to talk, please know that what I’m about to say is about me, not you.
I think the time has come where I need to let our relationship go. It has been an good 26 years, you were always there for me whenever I needed someone to talk to, if I was lonely, and you made me feel good, no matter what. But today I realised that this relationship is not good for me, my body or my family.
We are toxic together, I’m sorry but it’s the truth. Your relationship is bad for not only my body but for my children as well. You no longer make me feel whole and warm, I no longer feel complete when we are together. Instead I feel sick, I want to vomit to make the feeling go away because I don’t know when to stop, I find it hard to breathe and I don’t feel good in anything I wear. My depression is taking over and my relationship with you is the catalyst in my bad health. I don’t want to feel this way anymore!
So I think it’s time that we break up, it’s not you, it’s me… I’m craving something else.
Something that fuels my entire body and not my emotions, something clean, light and weightless, something to give me energy and to show my children that we need to eat to live and not live to eat, so I’m sorry, but I am moving in with healthy eating tomorrow. Please have your stuff out by then. I know you’ll find happiness somewhere, but this girl is screaming to come out and I need to let her.
Shocker, I have been MIA again! No surprises there eh? I’m not going to make up excuses because there really isn’t one, most people push through an obstacle, i sit and wallow in it.
This past month or so I have been battling with my depression again, nothing too extreme (thank goodness) but enough to listen to the mean girl in my head telling me that i am worthless, that no one cares about what i have to say or the posts and pictures that i put up or even in the real world where no one will care if i join them for coffee because they probably don’t even like me anyway or the hardest one, I don’t want to take my child to school because i don’t want his classmates to tease him for having a fat mom. But I won’t go too much more into it because the things my subconscious tells me are things that you wouldn’t want to hear said to another person. It gets pretty mean up in there.
I have a very unmotivated, lazy and why bother sort of personality that figures nobody cares so why should I, But then there is a pipsqueak little voice deep down that is trying to shout above it and remind me of the dreams I have not only for myself, but for my children too, it wants to tell me to screw what others think and do what I want to do, to push forward because the finish line is so much brighter, i can picture it but i have never seen it and it really is greener over there.
“the grass ain’t always greener on the other side. It’s greener where you water it“
So i’m walking in my Nana’s footsteps and i’m and going to channel her green thumb because this isn’t the life i want, not by a long shot, and I have so many goals/dreams and things I want to achieve that I don’t have time to keep wallowing in this pathetic little bubble of self loathing and misery, sure it is going to be difficult, and sure i am bound to fail plenty more times but as long as i keep getting back up, I will succeed!
Im sick of coming around to another birthday, easter, christmas and suddenly realising that i have just let my life fly by and I have done nothing with it. I want more for myself, I deserve better, and my kids deserve better!
So yet again this is ANOTHER testimony to myself and my readers that I will grow, change and shrink! there are a few plans in the works and i will post more about them at another time but for now i will sign off with a little quote i learned from a Melissa Ambrosini Book “Mastering you Mean girl”
“I love and accept myself unconditionally and wholeheartedly” ~ Melissa Ambrosini
Today is a normal day, #momlife trip to the supermarket for some essentials, and then i saw her.. A woman I went to Highschool with. This Woman is Stunning, she has the most amazing figure, gorgeous fashion sense, she is a real estate agent so she can afford luxury items and She drives an SUV.
As soon as I saw her, I buckled, I felt like that awkward emo fat girl from school again who felt like I should be losing weight and barely eat to look like her, and get segregated because i’m copying her out of envy.
I Immediately bowed my head hoping she wouldn’t recognise me and then my inner mean girl started talking/yelling in my head “you’re twice the size you were in school, you slob” “haha she has the job, the car, the body and you have nothing” “Kristy, Face it, You’re the BIGGEST Loser ever””You’ll Never be as pretty and successful as her!”
But you Know what, NO! I don’t WANT the Job, I can’t sell to save my life, I want to be a blogger full time. Yeah Okay I’d love a figure like hers but I will work Hard to get a figure that is perfect for me and i will have earned the beautiful slimmer clothing I will be able to wear. Kristy You have 2 amazing children and a Loving Adoring Husband And you have a fantastic life to look forward to.
Moral of the story,
You never know what other people are going through behind the scenes, what they have been through or, what they are going through. We can only see what they want you to see from the outside.
I will have my perfect life and i have a pretty damn amazing one now.
Dont Compare yourself to others, Its a battle you will never win.
Learn to love the person you are and the life you have now, and strive to achieve your dreams.
P.s If you Do Read this I am So proud of the person you are, the hard work you have put in to have the life you have. I hope you achieve all of your life goals and dreams. Hopefully next time I wont be so bitter and embarrassed and I will Say Hello instead of pretending i’m invisible.
p.p.s I have updated this post to more descriptively portray the emotion that went into the encounter. This post was never about her, or her as a person. The simple fact is she inspired the post because of how i regressed to a depressed state when i saw my high school past in front of me, but it was never about her as a person.
Going through my instagram feed the other day as per usual, I double tapped a womans photo of her and her gorgeous new born, it was a side by side of her baby belly and post birth, then i saw it…
“You Don’t Look like you’ve had a baby.”
I had to double take, that was all the comment said and it struck a nerve. I’m assuming it was intended as a compliment but couldn’t they have just said, “You look amazing”
but it has had me thinking, what is a woman who just had a baby supposed to look like? Are we meant to look a hot mess with spastic hair and pure exhaustion? do people expect a disaster when seeing a woman after birth? I mean 9 times out of 10 a woman is going to put her best pic forward on social media but whether we look flawless or exhausted, the last thing we want you to comment on is whether or not we fit the “just gave birth” stereotype!
We are so full of love and appreciation for the gift we have just received that we don’t care how we look. The sudden jolt into Mom mode takes all those cares away.
So i guess my point is… don’t tell someone they don’t look like they just had a baby, tell them congratulations, compliment our gift and if you have to comment on our looks, tell us we look amazing because a compliment never hurts 🙂
On my previous post i wrote down a few small goals i had for myself this year, and wholly shit would you believe it, I ACHIEVED A GOAL!
Over this past week My Husband, my children and myself moved into our own home (a rental of course, buying a home.. Pssh too much commitment for me just yet!)
We found the perfect little 4 bedroom home with a fenced back section, fireplace and open plan living dining and kitchen area, both kids get their own room and hubby and i get n office/filming space! it is perfection
We are still finding homes for things and getting out hands on furniture as we had none from our downsize when we moved to this town but the privacy, the accomplishment and feeling like an adult again who is in control of my own life and home is by far the best feeling in the world.
Dont get me wrong, i am super appreciative and grateful to my mom for taking us in when we went through a tough spot, but it is our time to move onward and upwards.
2017 is our year to achieve our goals! Have you got any specific goals that you want to achieve or have already achieved? I would love to know!
As you have probably noticed, i have been MIA for the last month and a bit, with good reason I promise.
If you saw my last post you know that my grandmother died last month after a very short and sudden battle with melanoma cancer. From diagnosis to death was about 6-8 weeks. For an extremely healthy and active 67 year old, its safe to say we are still in shock. I took a leave of absence from all my social media since as i couldnt pretend that everything was okay anymore. I was drowning, i would cuddle a blanket that she made me every night to fall asleep and if i didnt have that blanket then i would cry.
I found a screenshot in my camera roll of a text message she sent me when she was sick, 1 month before she died.
Then a few days later at my new job, my facebook memories showed me this gem on Boxing day.
So of course memories of this day and every other moment these two shared, and the notion that there will be no more pages to their book brought me to the floor, at work.
So as you can see, its been a hard road. and its not getting any easier, I’m just learning to cope better. But Nana wouldn’t want me to be this sad, she would want me to have my moment and then pull myself up and continue.
One thing i wanted to do before we knew how long she had left was show her that i can be the strong and independent woman she would want me to be, healthy mind body and soul and doing what I love. She grew her wings before i could show her that im not a loser. So with that i move on and up, 2016 held nothing special for me, I coasted through the whole year, i achieved nothing other than gaining another 10 kg.
I know they always say not to push for goals unless they are for yourself but i have a very minuscule opinion of myself and cant even get out of my bed for myself at my level of depression, so Nana, I will achieve my goals, FOR YOU.
So with the negative out of the way, here are a few very small and very achievable goals I have set for myself so next Christmas is filled with positivity and accomplishment
Move out of my Mums and into a Rental of our own (well on our way to this as we are viewing 2 houses next week)
Lose 2-4 kg per month
Upload a blog post 1- 2 times per week
Upload 1 youtube video per week
Do 1 photo-shoot by the end of the year (Jackie If you read this, Your my goals ❤ )
I figure the smaller the goal, the more achievable it is. I am constantly attached to Facebook so i will link my public page here so you can see how im going, see when i upload new content and share your journey with me as well! I also have a private group too if you want to join that, here. (I havent used it in a long time but i would like to have a space where more private people can share where they are at x)
2017 will NOT be another fail year!! We got this Babies!