Breaking the Silence : I tried to take my own life!

As some of you may know, For a job i deliver Publications around my local town, One of which is the NZ Herald, Today the front page was about a new series they are starting called “Breaking The silence” and Its all about the gruesome truth about teen suicide, Unbeknownst to me, NZ has the highest teen suicide rate in the world and I was almost one of them. So to follow in the footsteps of the New Zealand Herald, I am breaking my silence. Very few people know this about me so I am risking a lot of questions here from those who surround me that read my blog, but If i can help even just one person realize the value of their life, or let just one person know that they are not alone, or encourage one person to come forward and speak up then it will all be worth it.

So Yes, I tried to take my own life, several times. Depression hit around 12 or 13 (Well, i realized what it was at that age) by this age i had already endured some less than nice comments about my weight from family members, one being my great grandmother and the other being a father figure, comparing “skinniness” to a childhood friend, or being told i needed to “suck it in” Not to mention the many bad haircuts. I coped, it didn’t really affect me at the time, it seemed normal to me, that is just how things were. Then my world came crashing down at around 11 years old when Mum met a man and decided to move from our seemingly cute little home just out of Auckland to a tiny little town in the middle of the North Island, Bye bye Happiness and confidence. Initially i tried to be excited, the opportunity to make new friends, and experience a new place again was exciting (we moved a lot) But no, Day one at a new intermediate school also happened to be April fools day to which i was greeted by Vegemite under my desk “Its a prank bro, its a prank” Yeah not funny when you have no one to laugh with. Not long after than i had earned the nickname “Bakery” i’ll give you a second to guess how i achieved that nickname… “I had more rolls than a bakery…” Geniuses they were not but it still cut deep, I learned to smile through it, after all, at 3 pm we get to go home right? Home is a safe and comfortable place… Not anymore, The man mum had moved us in with was less than ideal, no matter how hard i tried, nothing could shake the bad feeling i got from him, i would step on eggshells, lash out for no reason, and lock myself away as often as i could, I guess this is where the Anxiety first came on (Not that i knew what anxiety was) Music seemed to be my only salvation, I could put my headphones on and block out the world, it was my happy place, till i got called out to the family room, dragged along to some event or had to go back to school, somehow school didn’t seem so bad after a while. I managed to make a couple of friends and I coasted by.

High school is a whole other story, The music got darker, the deep hatred for everything in my life got bigger, my persona got darker, and the self hate tripled. In the first year, I started to cut myself, I had no one to talk to about the hurt and hate, My mum was too engrossed in the love she had for this seemingly perfect man of her dreams and to finally have a companion after years of being a single mother, and all she seemed to see of me was a juvenile delinquent daughter who just wanted to wreak havoc on her step ford home. I never felt comfortable talking to my friends because all i could think to myself was that they didn’t really like me at all, i was just the extra person hanging off their group. Alongside the cutting i tried to take control of my weight the only way i knew how, I mean, you cant gain weight if you just don’t eat anything right, or if you eat, just throw it up, easy! this became my life, I mean, how much more of a perfect way to avoid family dinners if i just don’t eat them! and the cutting… well that exchanged the emotional pain for physical pain and that was just so much easier to manage, i didn’t have to talk and it was easy to hide. But when the physical pain stopped helping I tried to make it end for the first time. I don’t remember what happened to lead up to this point, it could have been inappropriate comments from my “Stepdads friends”, it could have been the bullying, but I remember being up really late at night and hunting through the house for whatever pills i could find, a bottle of my stepdads alcohol, and a bit of orange juice to try and make it taste better, and started popping the pills… obviously it didn’t work, my body rejected everything, and i vomited for hours, (bonus for the eating disorder right) and then i went to sleep, only to get up the next morning, slap a smile on my face and pretend like nothing had happened, smiles to hide tears. then a few months later, i met a boy, he seemed to really like me, His dad was friends with my stepdad through a local activity the did together, and we hit it off really well, he became my salvation, we became very close, i was about 14/15 years old at the time, and we lost our virginity together, i started to see a light and life seemed worth living again. We dated for a few months, he lived in a another town with his mum and often visited his dad on the weekends as he was 2 years older and had a car. Skip forward to my schools prize giving, a friend was receiving an award and i really wanted to support him, that same night, mum and her boyfriend had a BBQ at their friends house, they said i could go to this prize giving but i had to leave an hour before it was scheduled to end, and being someone who was spending her days as a shadow, there was no way i was going to get up in front of my entire school to leave, and despite my argument, which admittedly on my part did get a heated and loud (they just weren’t understanding me), i decided to go and sit outside on the curb as i had totally embarrassed myself at their friends house having this argument and didn’t wanna sit around all the snooty people judging me. I was determined to sit out there till it was time to go home, mum came out to try and get me to go inside but no dice. So my stepdad tried to give it a go, drunk. (he’s a pretty heavy drinker) He tried to express how appalled he was at me to treat my mother the way i did, so i proceeded to remind him that he is not my father and i couldn’t care less what he thought of me, a few more colorful words back and forth ends in him pushing me to the ground with his hand around my neck (I was still sitting on the curb) and then swung against mums car, a very poor attempt to help bring me inside, clearly this resulted in shock, a struggle to get him away from me and running away. I ended up at a friends house where she gave me marijuana to calm down, mum and her man tried to come pick me up after their party but clearly i wasn’t going anywhere with him. So my friends and I decided to go for a walk to get some “munchies” and get free for a while, Prior to this i had tried to ring my boyfriend to tell him what had happened and try to get him to take me away from his nightmare, to which he responded the he didn’t want to get involved as my stepdad was also a friend of his and that he thought it best to take a break from the relationship, the ultimatum was given that he either wanted me or he didn’t, to which he didn’t. Cue my world crashing, the light was gone, and attempt number 2 on my life happened, as we were walking in the fresh night air i heard a train, holding back tears i headed for the tracks, “this time it will definitely work!” I clearly forgot i had two people with me who stopped me going further. I eventually went home after 3 days, pretending life was perfect again, I met some new people, a few years older than me, and turned to drinking, and smoking, i was never home and i was numb. The eating disorder was still there, and i started cutting myself again, but i was getting by, staying at friends houses, or sneaking home when the mum and her boyfriend were asleep.

Fast forward give or take a year, a failed unfaithful relationship and an abortion later, attempt number 3 was made, this time in the form of a very deep cut on my wrist, deep enough for mum to send me to a doctor for stitches, apparently it was my closest call yet.

After this, action was taken, I was moved to my grandparents house, changed schools, was put on a lot of anti depressant pills and sent to a psychiatrist, none of which worked and one more attempt was made, This is when I tried to cut my neck, this is one no one else has ever known about and it wasn’t deep at all, more like a light cut/deeper scratch which I had to hide with high neck tops and scarves people joked that I had hickeys on my neck, to which I laughed along with them but inside I was panicking that they would try an remove my scarf,  i would dream about my Nana’s sleeping tablets and get up in the middle of the night to hold and look at them but something held me back from taking them.

Over the next few years I cut my legs and lighter cuts on my wrists to relieve emotional pain, and I still battled on and off with my eating disorder till I hit 18. But as far as I can remember I didn’t make any further attempts on my life.

To this day, i still suffer with severe depression, I cringe when I hear a train, I am broken and hide inside myself when my depression takes over me, if I see someone’s scars I feel their pain and  being double the weight i was and still hate myself immensely and don’t even get me starts in my social anxiety, I barely leave my house but My life is worthy, and so Is yours. It may not seem like it at times but there is hope, there is help and there are others. You are not alone!

My story may not make any sense and i have tried to keep it as simple as i could as well as trying to tell 10 years of my depression in a way that can be understood but like I said, If i can help just one person then opening my soul to the world would all be worth it.

This goes without saying but if you don’t have something positive to say, please don’t say it,  I genuinely felt like my peers and family were better if without me there, I was a burden, and inconvenience, they didn’t need that extra anguish, so please know this before commenting about selfishness! this is my story and it is very raw in my heart, I only have the very best intentions in sharing this and i don’t want to hear your comments unless they are kind and positive.

If you or someone you know is suffering then please reach out, don’t brush it off, it could save their life. 

Call Lifeline 24/7 Helpline:0800 543 354 

Or visit their website for information http://www.lifeline.org.nz/Suicide-Intervention_2022.aspx

If you believe you, or someone you know, may be in immediate danger, please call 111. 

Thank you for taking the time to read this hefty novel of a post, I appreciate you!

You are worthy! Your life is Irreplaceable!

K x

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Comparison is a Battle you will Never Win

Today is a normal day, #momlife trip to the supermarket for some essentials, and then i saw her.. A woman I went to Highschool with. This Woman is Stunning, she has the most amazing figure, gorgeous fashion sense, she is a real estate agent so she can afford luxury items and She drives an SUV.

As soon as I saw her, I buckled, I felt like that awkward emo fat girl from school again who felt like I should be losing weight and barely eat to look like her, and get segregated because i’m copying her out of envy.

I Immediately bowed my head hoping she wouldn’t recognise me and then my inner mean girl started talking/yelling in my head “you’re twice the size you were in school, you slob” “haha she has the job, the car, the body and you have nothing” “Kristy, Face it, You’re the BIGGEST Loser ever””You’ll Never be as pretty and successful as her!”

But you Know what, NO! I don’t WANT the Job, I can’t sell to save my life, I want to be a blogger full time. Yeah Okay I’d love a figure like hers but I will work Hard to get a figure that is perfect for me and i will have earned the beautiful slimmer clothing I will be able to wear. Kristy You have 2 amazing children and a Loving Adoring Husband And you have a fantastic life to look forward to.

Moral of the story,581621541-compare

You never know what other people are going through behind the scenes, what they have been through or, what they are going through. We can only see what they want you to see from the outside.

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I will have my perfect life and i have a pretty damn amazing one now.

Dont Compare yourself to others, Its a battle you will never win.

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Learn to love the person you are and the life you have now, and strive to achieve your dreams.

K x

P.s If you Do Read this I am So proud of the person you are, the hard work you have put in to have the life you have. I hope you achieve all of your life goals and dreams. Hopefully next time I wont be so bitter and embarrassed and I will Say Hello instead of pretending i’m invisible.

p.p.s I have updated this post to more descriptively portray the emotion that went into the encounter. This post was never about her, or her as a person. The simple fact is she inspired the post because of how i regressed to a depressed state when i saw my high school past in front of me, but it was never about her as a person.

I’m a Bad Mom!

Have you seen Bad Moms Yet? If not, WHY!

I literally just finished watching this movie and immediately had to blog about my experience! Let me set the scene,

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Kids are in bed, fast asleep, I have wine, a french stick bread and my favorite Basil Pesto chunky dip, headphones on, snuggled by myself on the couch, ready to emmerse myself!

Throughout this entire movie I didn’t know whether to laugh because it was so hilarious or cry because it was so relatble! They could not have picked a better cast for this movie, first of all I LOVE Mila Kunis! she just has that down to earth vibe that just makes you want to be her friend, and i don’t think anyone could have played Amy Mitchell better than she did. But to be totally honest with you, I didn’t want to blog about how good the acting was or what part was my favorite, i want to focus on the message.

As moms we always feel this constant struggle to be the best, even if we don’t judge other moms, we are always comparing ourselves or wishing we could give our kids more, be more organised, provide healthier meals, Be the impossible! But that in and of itself is impossible, there is no way we can do it all, we cant afford it all, we cant do it all and we cant be it all, but what we can do.. is try!

We work ourselves to the bone to try and prove that we are some magic super mom that quite frankly doesn’t exist, we all struggle, we all feel down and we all feel insane at times AND THAT IS OKAY!

I want to share and encourage the message, that we should never feel like we have to compete to be like another mom, cause she is most likely competing to be like someone else too and its not fair! We need to bring each other up, we need to empower other mothers and tell them that they are doing a great job, when we see that defeated look in their eye we need to reassure them that they are amazing, even a simple “i feel ya babe” glance when you see them fighting a surf board baby into a car seat.

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My blurb- My kids only eat 50-70% of their dinner every night, i have to bribe them with a treat (even just a simple hot choc) just to try and get them to eat one more mouthful, maximum 4 days a week its vegetables because i’m just too tired of battling with them to eat a simple meal and i’m just trying to get SOME food into them, they get a bath maybe once or twice a week because i’m just too exhausted at the end of the day and cannot visibly see any dirt on them, they only brush their teeth at night, sometimes less for my daughter because i cannot bare to hold her down to shove a toothbrush in her mouth because all she does is suck the toothpaste off, my son has No ears and is repeatedly doing things we have asked him not to do 5 seconds before hand, which leads to the yelling! Most days I feel like i am yelling 24/7. I’m not a creative hands on mom that will sit down to teach my kids lessons every day like colors and numbers, yeah we talk about it and i do exercises with them through daily activities but i don’t have a number of books and pens and paints to be super hands on. But despite all of those difficulties and failures, at the end of the day my children are happy, bright, loving, caring, healthy and bubbly children who will go far in life because we are learning and figuring the world out together. I don’t have it all figured out, fuck, by the posts I have done you can tell that i’m a mess, But i love my kids with everything I am and even though i’m not the perfect mom i wish i was. I Am OK. Moms, I got you! We all got each other! Share your stories, share your struggles, don’t be ashamed, don’t be embarrassed, embrace the bullshit that comes with motherhood and lets be bad moms together!

 

K x

I Just Can’t…

This month has been quite literally one of the hardest months of my life, I think i adjusted better to becoming a mum!

First big hit was finding out a very close family member is terminally ill. I then injured my knee which now means I am unable to work, exercise or walk normally, and my diet has been so all over the place that i swear I’ve gained the equivalent weight of Molly.

And despite knowing better, I made the abhorrent decision to make matters worse and self medicate with food…

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And not just some fries, I went all out! Large Boss Burger Combo + a Filet-O-Fish burger! All because i let my emotions take over, I have just been given almost a month off work following my doctors appointment today, a referral to a counselor and medication to relieve anxiety, I cried most of my docs appointment and was filled with fear about telling my boss I need more time off work when she is already unsupportive and livid that i have had 2 weeks off already. Needless to say, the only way i knew I could feel better was food. Why is this a norm for me, i didnt enjoy it at all, it didnt help me in the slightest, i still have all the same feelings only now i have added regret, nausea and self loathing. Im so mad that instead of meditating or reading a book or even blogging about it, I went straight for the drive through. Ugh I just can’t. Thanks for the Vent!

Have you overcome this urge? any tips are most welcome!

Luxe Fitness – First Impression

My Instagram has been inundated with encouragement and likes in regard to my post about my Luxe Fitness Protein Powder Purchase, So I wanted to give a little first impression on my order experience and first taste etc.

Ordering and Shipping: The process was easy to follow and super quick, it arrived really quickly too, I ordered on Friday night and it arrived 3 pm on Monday afternoon.

Packaging: It came in a cute small box and everything was packaged safely in bubble wrap. The label and the presentation of the actual product is super modern and appealing, I’m obsessed with the overall presentation. It is definitely Aesthetically pleasing!

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instagram.com/spillsnserenity

Taste Test: I got the Vanilla Flavor, purely because i thought it would be more universal in different flavored smoothies and would taste great with various fruits etc, But obviously I wanted to try it on its own first. I mixed it with milk for the first try as i find protein shakes tend be a lot creamier mixed that way and boy was it good!! OMG it was super creamy, and so yummy!! And I’m not a huge Vanilla person but i really enjoyed it, It mixed really well, it wasn’t lumpy or grainy and it was enjoyable right to the end of the cup. I have yet to try it with water or mix it in a fruit smoothie but I’m excited to experiment with different fruits and flavors.

As for any progress or the fat-burner, I will be keeping a journal of how I am doing and any progress I make, but overall, So far I am super impressed and i’m excited to see where it takes me!

K x

 

 

Gratitude is a disappearing virtue!

Too often we focus on what we don’t have, what we are missing, what we wish we had, or what others have that we want. We forget to stop and take a look at the blessings we do have in our lives, the family we have, the luxuries or the simple things.

In a split second the world around you can get turned upside down, a very close family member can be given a deadly diagnosis even when they are the healthiest person you know. You could be thrown into a grim situation or just simply be in the wrong place at the wrong time and lose everything you knew

So today I want to share the things i am most grateful for!

  • My Family, I have a small immediate family but we are all super close and love each other with everything we are. We are never far from each others thoughts and enjoy every moment we have together.
  • My Body, I am grateful for my healthy body, even though its large, every blood test I have comes back exceptional, I am rarely sick and have all functioning limbs.
  • My ability to have children, I count my blessings every day that i was able to have 2 beautiful and healthy children. My heart goes out to all women who struggle or are unable to have a family.
  • My Husband, we have our ups and downs for sure, but despite any spat we may have, we are always able to work it out and come back together stronger than before. My Husband loves absolutely everything about me and reminds me everyday. I am so grateful so have found such a loving and accepting man to spend my life with and raise our family.
  • My Finances. I never thought i would say this, and even though i have debt collection bills and bad credit, I am grateful for my government for the allowances I am entitled to while I work my part time job so that i am able to provide delicious food and a happy loving environment for my children
  • My Mother, not only did she raise me to be loving, open minded and understanding, she always makes sure i have everything i need, she is always there no matter the time or place and sacrifices herself to make sure others are okay. She continues to support me no matter what, including opening up her warm loving home for my family in our time of need.

I’m sure there are many more things i could list but those are the main ones i wanted to focus on, because these are the ones we tend to take for granted.

My Task for you is to comment 3 things you are grateful for in this very moment that you are reading this.

 

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K x

#TBT My First YouTube Video

So on Monday, I was looking through my old videos to show a friend on twitter that you can still do a make up video without having the High end filming equipment that most girls use today. In looking back for My First Make up Tutorial i also stumbled across my first ever YouTube video and man does it make me cringe!

My First YouTube Video!

It was a 46 Questions tag to introduce myself and it was filmed on an old boxy, White Macbook Pro in photobooth! I was nervous as hell pausing on questions like when is your birthday because I wasnt sure if i should say the year, I kept looking at myself in the screen and playing with my hair, and i was trying way too hard to make sure i looked the part.

More importantly, the point of this blog post is that.. I do not recognise that person. It was Pre Children, Pre baby body, like 30-40kgs lighter, and not to mention the overkill side part!

In listening to the answers I realized that I lied to make myself seem more interesting and generic to the other beauty vloggers, Half of the answers i wouldn’t even think to pick now, like my fave restaurant? Pah lease! i went there once and i NEVER eat at restaurants, since then (5 years ago) i have been to a handful of places. And my fave snack, are you kidding me?! Unsalted peanuts? who the fuck are you! and by the way they are NOT really good for you, DOOFUS!

I was trying so hard that I don’t even recognise who she is, and while i may love the fact that she is a lot slimmer and loved herself alot more than I do I’m more true to who I am now and honest about my thoughts and opinions.

What did you think of the video? Do you look back and wonder the same? how far have you come? What is your throwback?

k x