My Husband Said I’m Fat!

Okay, So that’s a tiny exaggeration and probably classed as click bait but now that your here, Let me tell you a story.

Last night, My Husband and I were having a romantic Maccas combo in the car at an empty parking lot (Nana was looking after the kids while we got some essentials from the supermarket, and we took it upon ourselves to enjoy the time to ourselves and get a late dinner)
We got to talking and as per usual i made some self hate comments about my body and my weight, Now normally he would be polite and tell me how beautiful he thinks I am and be done with it, But tonight he didn’t.

He said ” Babe, Stop it, I love that your Thick” now some people might find this offensive but i was filled with butterflies. Never in the 7 years we have been together had he ever said that. He has always told me I’m beautiful and sexy and all of the above compliments a husband can give, but never has he acknowledged my size and the fact that he loved it, i always just kinda assumed he was paying me compliments just to show he loves me and wasn’t bothered by my size. But to hear him say “I love that you are on the bigger side” was magic to my ears! For the first time in i don’t even know how long, I FELT Beautiful, I felt attractive and i felt worthy.

I love him even more than i ever did and never have I appreciated him more. I am so grateful that he is in my life.

I wanted to share this story to send a message.

Every one deserves a partner who loves them exactly as they are, Never settle for less.

K x

 

Dads have it tough too

I have been talking a lot to a friend of mine lately who brought to my attention that single dads do not get enough recognition! I totally agree, I may not see the ones who are out there sharing that story because honestly- being a married woman/mother, I don’t look for it. We Have Mom-Models we look up to like Maria Form Happy Mum Happy child Who is an amazing woman who shows us the good the bad and the ugly and encourages mums to know that just because we share the good and happy moments, doesn’t mean we don’t suffer behind the camera. She is amazing, But for the Dads out there, Married, in a relationship or single, we don’t see their side. Perhaps that is because they don’t like to share or encourage the way that we Woman do but for this post I wanted to feature My friend and his good and bad as a Father.

Meet Matt, He is a Single Dad to a Beautiful little Boy Named Jackson, he works 2 jobs and still manages have an amazing co-parenting agreement which allows him to be a dad for 3-4 days out of the week. I feel I also need to mention that it is seen way to often that co-parenting is made so difficult for either parties for personal reasons over child related reasons so to see that Matt and his Ex have this amazing agreement really shows their maturity towards each other and proves that their child really does come first, so without even getting into the post I think you two are phenomenal people and i have the utmost respect for both of you as parents and as people.

Recently Matt Shared a post to his personal Facebook page which heed an amazing response and gave him the idea to collaborate with me on a post to get the word out there.

“Kids are awesome, even when they are having a random tantrum, under the table, at dinner time, because….some reason i haven’t worked out yet? Shout out to all the parents who understand this joy 😂 its still the best job ever.”

Matt and Jax

“Update from the other pic. To be fair, being a parent, in any context, IS hard work. We are generally pretty quick show off our cute moments and perfect picture’s but we know that the daily reality isn’t always so photogenic. So … yeah, Jackson kicked my arse tonight and that’s actually okay too? Still ended with him being fed, bath, stories, cuddle, bed…it all just took a bit longer tonight 😂’

Matt and Jax 2

Y’all got this mums and dads.👍”

Short yet Powerful, All to often we see our friends and acquaintances sharing photos and posts about their awesome day, or how well behaved their child has been or a cool place they have gone. Nothing is wrong with that at all but it can lead to insecurities, making us feel or think that we aren’t good parents, or don’t earn enough, or whatever the case may be! Every one struggles, everyone has bad days, and the best we can do is to encourage and support one another and not pass judgment on what may be a mirage.

What are our thoughts on this topic? Should Matt start a blog? Please share this story to show others they are not alone.

k x

#TBT My First YouTube Video

So on Monday, I was looking through my old videos to show a friend on twitter that you can still do a make up video without having the High end filming equipment that most girls use today. In looking back for My First Make up Tutorial i also stumbled across my first ever YouTube video and man does it make me cringe!

My First YouTube Video!

It was a 46 Questions tag to introduce myself and it was filmed on an old boxy, White Macbook Pro in photobooth! I was nervous as hell pausing on questions like when is your birthday because I wasnt sure if i should say the year, I kept looking at myself in the screen and playing with my hair, and i was trying way too hard to make sure i looked the part.

More importantly, the point of this blog post is that.. I do not recognise that person. It was Pre Children, Pre baby body, like 30-40kgs lighter, and not to mention the overkill side part!

In listening to the answers I realized that I lied to make myself seem more interesting and generic to the other beauty vloggers, Half of the answers i wouldn’t even think to pick now, like my fave restaurant? Pah lease! i went there once and i NEVER eat at restaurants, since then (5 years ago) i have been to a handful of places. And my fave snack, are you kidding me?! Unsalted peanuts? who the fuck are you! and by the way they are NOT really good for you, DOOFUS!

I was trying so hard that I don’t even recognise who she is, and while i may love the fact that she is a lot slimmer and loved herself alot more than I do I’m more true to who I am now and honest about my thoughts and opinions.

What did you think of the video? Do you look back and wonder the same? how far have you come? What is your throwback?

k x

Why all the Envy!?

Honestly the amount of false hatred caused by envy that I hold in my Heart makes me wonder why I’m not having heart attacks! I have a friend who is an AMAZING blogger ( like i have wanted to be a blogger/vlogger for over 5 years with zero motivation, and here she comes with a goal and boom she does it!) Then I know other people who have been vlogging on YouTube for 5 minutes compared to my 5 years and they are BOOMING! and here i am with my small outreach but instead of using that to drive me to do better, im moping about how everyone i know is better than me at things i have been wanting to do forever compared to their 4 minutes!

I feel hatred, i feel jealousy, i feel mad but the only thing i know for sure is those feelings are just a mask for depression and frustration toward myself for not getting off my now VERY fat arse and doing something about it, not fueling that desire by the negative feelings, instead i wallow… Yeah, real smart Kristy!

Side note: if you are or know who im referencing please try to see this as my journey towards self improvement because if i really look deep down, i feel those things towards myself, not you. My true and honest feelings toward you as a person is pride, pride that you are able to succeed at things im not, pride that you are achieving your goals and pride that you are walking your path.

Now back to inner rage… I sit here full from eating 2 pies, 1/4 bag of snake lollies, 1/8 block of chocolate and a late lunch of KFC and knowing that ive expressed this rage before and nothing, I have set goals before and nothing, i have even written goals in a previous post and still reverted back to where i was, i lose weight and reward myself with food i crave like a little excited puppy. So how do i change, how do i force myself to kick this inner lazy unmotivated bitch out of my head so i can start to feel pride for myself and reach my own goals!

I want to be a mediating, yoga doing, vegan who vlogs and writes her blog, I wanna receive products and items to review for people who care about my opinion, i wanna be able to jump on a trampoline with my kids and not sit on the sidelines watching my sister-in-law play with my kids instead because i exceed the weight limit and don’t wanna break it. but most of all i want to love myself, i dont wanna hate who i am, i dont wanna set goals and just not do them.

Have you experienced this, do you have any tips to help me, or do you just want to share your story too? don’t be shy, knowing you are not alone when you feel the most isolated is the best feeling ever.

K x

 

If you don’t have anything nice to say…

Thank goodness for this post by the amazing Maria Foy from “Happy Mum, Happy Child“! I see this way too often, some people way too often have burning comments and opinions that they just can’t hold on to, I even had a stranger make a comment about my Parenting with Molly just the other day and I was horrified!
Molly was putting up a fight to sit back down in the trolley at countdown, she was bored and standing up in the seat because she wanted to get out (i was standing right in front of her as the buckles don’t hold down a determined 2 year old) So to avoid the scream and possibility the falling out of the trolley, I picked her up and held her on my hip (also its the rare opportunity for me to get a cuddle) and continued to browse the vegetable stock, the woman next to me decided it was her turn to weigh in. ” that’s it now, she knows how to get what she wants and shes never going to listen now, shes figured out your weakness” (I am ad-libbing here as i don’t remember the exact words) I stood there like a deer in headlights, horrified that someone would actually say something like that but i kept my calm and politely explained that she is a very well behaved girl and listens when she needs to and that we have a very good relationship she was just bored (as is most children that go to the supermarket) My husband was too far away to hear what the woman said and was just as horrified as i was when i told him what happened. I found solace when i heard and agreeable chuckle from the mother standing near us in the next isle while I informed my husband of what was said. I live by these two mantras that i was taught when i was a child “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you” and “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it at all” I wish with all my heart that other would too. We as mothers get enough controversial advice from enough people without the 2 cents worth from a stranger in a supermarket which in itself is hard enough with a child sometimes!
I love the support and kindness Us women have for each other Mothers.
K x

Mother & Son Bonding

Its not often that i get to spend one on one time with Mayson, So when I do get that time i treasure it dearly!

On Tuesday, I picked Mayson up from preschool at 3 as per usual and he was adamant that he had to draw me a picture! Who am i to stop a creative little boy! He was so excited and so proud of his picture that I had to take some photos to bring home and show daddy!

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He is getting so good at art and it makes me so proud to see his growing face when he achieves something new.

After I Finally convinced him that it was time to go, we went to Bridgestone as we had to get our Tyre repaired.

Mayson found this super fascinating and of course I found it totally cute to hear all his 1000 questions about what the man was doing and why. if you ever have to get a boring adult job done, Take a 4 year old! Seeing life through small eyes makes you really apprentice your surroundings.

PicMonkey Collage.png

I treasure these little moments so much. Mayson’s curiosity about the world and his excitement for everything he encounters really opens my eyes to how precious the world truly is.

Thank you for reading

K x

The Depression is in Me.

Its been about a week since I posted about my depression and the idea that i may be going on medication to help. Well my little fairies, i did it! I am now officially on anti-depressants as of Wednesday last week.

My doctor and i had a wee chat about why i was asking and all that necessary mumbo. As i said in my last post, i do have a previous history of depression in which medication was highly recommended but I was adamant that i didn’t need them, It was the doctors that were crazy and drug happy, not me. I could do it on my own!

Well NO! I couldn’t! 10 years, 2 kids, a marriage and 50kgs later I realized I can’t do it on my own. And that is OKAY! I’m not the supermom/woman that i aspire to be, i’m not as strong as i thought, i tried to prove myself and all i proved was that i’m emotionally weak with a binge eating disorder, no control and totally anxious!– Which by the way, I’ve heard people talk about anxiety but i never really knew what it was or if i even had it, but after a little bit of research and understanding i realize that it’s actually the name for alot of my feelings. I had no idea.

Anywho! :: like i said, my doctor and I had a short chat so she could understand where my head was at after all this time, she could read from my file that there was a history but being a new doctor, she wanted to hear it from me. So she asked me a few questions in which i answered truthfully (for once in my life) she caught me trying to justify those feelings or actions and her response was pretty much reassuring me that i don’t need to justify anything, the way I feel and how I am is okay and quite frankly she is amazed at how i have coped this long with what i have been through. I tried to explain that “I know from the outside it may seem like i have gone through a fair bit, but there are millions of other people out there that are going through or have been through worse” and her response shocked me into reality “But Kristy, That’s not YOUR life, They aren’t YOU” and it resonated with me. I have spent so much time pushing myself and my own feelings under the rug (essentially making them worse) purely because i didn’t think i was worthy of feeling that way, other people i don’t know, or have never met/associated with have been through worse than i have. I felt like i wasn’t worthy of feeling the pain, the emotion, the hurt, the hate and the anger of my past. My doctor was taken a back by the fact that she had to tell me that. So without hesitation the prescription was printing.

It was very surreal to allow myself these feelings after 10 years.

I have been on these meds for just under a week now and they are still kicking in, the first day was amazing, i felt mind clarity and i caught myself smiling out the window a few times, which shocked me because it was a miserable raining day! HaHa! But i felt peaceful, for all i know it could have been a placebo effect of just knowing i was taking them making me feel better, because currently i’m wondering if maybe I need a higher dose. I have been assured it can take a couple of weeks for them to properly kick in so i’m going to wait before I increase it. However, I did forget to take a tablet yesterday and i felt clouded and drained and very tired all day and i didn’t feel better until after a bottle and a half of my fave wine and 4 episodes of Black List snuggled on the couch with my husband while eating bad food. Today I’m back on track, I had breakfast and took my tablets. I haven’t done anything productive but I’m listening to some chill Indie music on spotify, i have applied for 3 new jobs and am writing this post, after which i will be writing my goal list and maybe even an Inspo board. So I guess there might be something to these pills.

Ill keep a weekly or fortnightly update on how i’m doing and how i’m feeling just to keep track for myself and maybe I might help one of you. Just remember, Feeling Anxiety, depression, sadness, anger, fear,worthlessness is OKAY! don’t hide those feelings. Don’t push them aside because you don’t think your worthy of feeling that way. More importantly DON’T BE AFRAID to ask for help. If your healthcare professional isn’t listening or helping you sufficiently then find someone else who will. Each and every one of your feelings ARE VALID. Your allowed to feel that way and your allowed to seek help. ITS ENCOURAGED! I’m here to listen to anyone if you just want an anonymous ear to listen to you, or alternatively you can call your local helpline to seek advice. Please don’t hide, Speak up! The more people who speak up, the less it will be brushed off! Our voices need to be heard!

I love each and every one of you!

You-Are-Loved-Watercolor

K x

Tired Mom’s Winner Dinner!

Tonight i WAS NOT Feeling like cooking EH Neh Thang! Our whole house has been all different kinds of sick including Hubby so Its Mums Time to Solo Dolo!

So after not alot of thought and a friends Go-To In my Head I decided to go with the classic, Creamed Corn Fritters and Canned Spaghetti with Cheese. My kids are very repetitive eaters, they will eat things like canned spaghetti and macaroni and cheese every night if they could, so i was hesitant but honestly I wanted corn fritters so F%&# it! Let’s give it a go.

So in true Kristy Fashion as a simpleton I googled how to make Corn Fritters and I used this recipe from Kidspot.co.nz::

Ingredients:

3/4 cup plain flour

1 teaspoon baking powder

1 teaspoon sugar or runny honey

1 large or 2 small eggs

1 tin creamed corn

salt/pepper

oil for cooking

Method:

Put all dry ingredients into a bowl (there’s no need to sift).

Add corn and eggs. Mix. If you’re using honey, add it now. The mixture should be quite thick.

Heat oil (medium heat) and drop spoonfuls of mixture into pan, fry until bubbles form or until golden then flip. They puff up so you don’t need much, I use either a teaspoon or half a tablespoon of mixture for toddler sized fritters.

You can add bacon, sweet chili sauce or anything to make it a bit more interesting.

These take next to no time and you can make them in big batches and freeze as well. Crispy on the outside and soft in the middle, delicious! Good for any time of the day. Try it!

It was the easiest recipe to follow and tasted amaze! The kids didn’t each much as expected but if i offer them to the kids more they might adjust to something new- probably didn’t help that they devoured their spaghetti first!

Comment below or tag me on Instagram or Facebook if you give this recipe a go! I would love to see your renditions!

K x

Theres Depression in all of us

Hey All,

Its been a hot minute since i have put up a blog post, which upsets me because i really want to work hard at this and make a good name for my brand. But lets get real for a minute.

I have suffered with depression since i was about 13, Possibly earlier. So i’m no stranger to the feeling of anxiety, self hatred, and thoughts of self harm, worthlessness and all the other battles we go through. I have also battled with and probably still battle with eating disorders but that’s a blog for another day.

Recently i have been feeling this way again, for years I suppressed it and was adamant that i could handle it on my own, without therapy or medication, until recently. I still to this day cannot accept the way i am and hate almost every part of my body, i have zero energy to be a good and active engaging parent (thank god for my husband, that guy deserves a trophy) and although i am amazing at making lists and plans, even writing goals, I am terrible at following through. I cannot remember the last time i completed anything.

I hate the way I am living my life, I hate the person I have become, but no matter how much i pray for the will to change, i cannot drum up the energy to keep going let alone start.

I have never really been open with this and those around me might be shocked to know it, I’m a very big “fake it till you make it” person, but it just wont cut it anymore, i’m sick of the negative energy i bring myself so this week i will be visiting my doctor to go on an antidepressant. The last time i was offered them by a doctor i threw them in my doctors face and told them I didn’t need them (i was 15 and very rebellious to authority)

If you have a similar story, or are one who has hidden the truth from those they love, Be honest with yourself and those who care about you. ITS OKAY! Its okay to feel this way, and its MORE THAN OKAY to ask for help, it doesn’t make you any less of a person, it doesn’t make you weak, it wont defeat you. If anything it will make you stronger, having the courage to say you need help is one of the most admirable and strong things you can do.

Start small, and you can conquer all

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Print By Viva La Vector – I got this as a gift from her and Its so nice to have a little reminder that I can do Anything!

K x

 

What’s In a Name

“What’s in a name? That which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet.”

Romeo and Juliet (II, ii, 1-2)

I wanted to take a bit of time to focus on my brand name. “Spills and Serenity”

Those of you who have ventured over here from my social media would know that I used to go by “MissKriiiisty” when i first started my YouTube channel 4 years ago.

When I became pregnant and after the birth of my son, i struggled for years to keep up with my content, keeping it consistent and keeping up with the beauty blogger category i had put myself into. Beauty and Make up was no longer a priority, i still very much enjoyed it, but i had been given a new hat to wear. The Mom Hat. I was lucky if i wore make up once a week, hell i was lucky if i showered once a week – Gross i know but don’t judge!

My priorities changed, my passions changed, I changed. I did go through a very tough time with postnatal depression as well as the severe clinical depression I was diagnosed with at 14 so i struggled a lot, self-esteem issues were through the roof and i battled my own demons constantly. Then we started trying to conceive Molly, which in turn took me further than ever from the “Beauty Vlogger” category, I wanted to vlog my pregnancy updates, cravings, symptoms, gender prediction tests. All of the things i didn’t know about when we were trying to conceive Mayson. I went through a couple more name changes, (like this blog post if your were around for MissMommmy) but nothing seemed to resonate with how i felt as a person and who i wanted to become.

After ALOT of deliberation back and forth as well as constant admiration of Amber Marie’s consistency and determination (not to mention how pretty) her blog is, during a coffee date one day, I picked her brain. She knew things i couldn’t have imagined about the creativity of a website, things i was so closed off to because i felt like a foreigner in my own space. She threw ideas at me and gave me so many suggestions that when i went home that night it struck me “SPILLS AND SERENITY”. I immediately rang her to see what she thought of the idea and after explaining how i came up with it she loved it, more importantly, I LOVED IT.

For the first time in years I felt like i had found my brand, the name in which to represent my name, my family, and my goals. So here goes.



SPILLS

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Kristy – 2 Years

The SPILLS portion of the name references to the ups and downs, the mistakes and messes of mother hood, and the tragedies of drama, self-doubt and the over all emotional roller-coaster that is LIFE



SERENITY

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Serenity is the Zen, peaceful body you become when you have reached your goals, accepting you for who you are, changing what makes you unhappy, and becoming the person ou dreamt you could be. Living in a serene world where nothing can get you down because you know who you truly are.



 

So basically to sum it all up, I want to share my journey from the messy and sporadic life I live now, and work my way to a peaceful and serene life i dream of.

Thank you so much for reading and I would love to hear your stores in the comments.

K x