Belated 2018 Welcome

I have been battling with myself on how, when and what content to bring to this new year and i just decided, you know what- FUCK IT “just start typing and see how you go” I have had MAJOR writers block despite my desperate desire to start writing again! I have so much to tell you, and so much to share! I missed you! How are you!?

Let me fill you in..

In December I JOINED A GYM.. it took me till mid January to actually pluck up the courage to start going BUT Since the 24th of Jan I have been going 3-4 times per week and LOVING every minute i am there (except when i have to do cardio- we don’t like that)

Jan 24 First Time at the Gym
First Time Attending a Gym (And sticking to it)

Now im not going to claim this is the first time i’ve even joined a gym because its not, I joined another gym a few years ago but had to cancel the membership because we moved out of that town and i just never signed up to a new one till now. I am also not going to say that ive lost heaps of weight or sit here an give you all these tips on what working for me because i havent lost a single kilo (and kept it off) and my eating habits are still pretty bad which i am working on but am still unable to resist cravings and bread! BUT  aside from a 1 week break while i had a bad cold, I have been going to the gym pretty consistently 3-4 times per week since the 24th of January!

I can however tell you that i have lost several CM’s/Inches all over my body, so i guess i have lost fat but gained muscle as i am doing a fair amount of weights, i tend to enjoy weight exercises and pushing it on the machines more than i like staring at the wall while on the treadmill or elliptical, i don’t mind the bike tho so i tend to use that more than the others.

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As you can see my weight has fluctuated a lot but hasn’t really gone down, However… My measurements have been consistently going down, I have lost about 39.5 cm’s in TOTAL over my entire body since the last time i measured myself in May last year.

Cms LOST

It just goes to show me that even though the scale isn’t moving a lot, I am losing weight!

I am so exciting to keep tracking my progress and getting fitter- Oh Man! I can already tell not just in my body but in my workouts that i am already getting much fitter too!! I can push myself to do double what i could when i started, and am even trying out different workouts that i have seen on YouTube, THAT is how much fitter i am getting!

I am actively sharing my daily workouts on Instagram so please go and follow me on there if you would like to follow my daily life and fitness updates

But for now i am going to leave it at that. I am so glad to be back and sharing with you and i cannot wait to see where 2018 takes me cause i am fired up and ready to beat it head on!

Can i also just add that i have never before felt this kind of drive to succeed before, either my self discipline is better or I can adult better, but either way i know in my heart, my soul and my head that this is the path i am meant to continue down and never have i even believed in myself so much as to actually achieve my goals. Its just meant to happen this year, I just know that I am not giving up this time, this is the real deal!

What is driving you to succeed at your goals this year?!

K x

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Stuck Between a Harley Quinn & A Glam Barbie

Almost everyone I see on social media has their preferred style, whether it be glam, punk, grunge, princess, sporty or what, But for my entire life i have never known where I fit in. I have tried many different styles.

I’ve tried the punk sort of emo Look…

I’ve Had “Try Hard Chic”

 

Then there was “I’m Trying”

Followed by, “I’m a mum now, I no longer care about me”

Slowly transitioning into “okay I’m having another baby now, get your shit together” -Part of getting my shit together was marrying my Boyfriend of 4 years as we had a second baby on the way and figured it was about time because we had been engaged for 3 years 😂

Then a while later I tried the classic “If i dress sporty then maybe I will want to workout” Style

And within the last year alone I have tackled, Harley Quinn Unique, Fashionista Chic, and Effortless Casual and a bit of Glam Barbie

And after all of that… I still have no idea which trend or style i want to stick with, i love being all glam and pretty but i also LOVE the idea of cos-playing Harley Quinn (ya’ll Know i have an insane obsession) then another part of me loves the sporty look with chokers and hats, leggings and over-sized tops, and a total other side of me also wants to follow the high fashion, designer chic style or the Tatted babe with piercings! I am totally conflicted, can there really be room in my head for every style i have tried? have you suffered from this dilemma or are you totally sure of yourself and queen you rock your look! Help a Babe! How did you find your niche?

K x

Dear food

We need to talk, please know that what I’m about to say is about me, not you.

I think the time has come where I need to let our relationship go. It has been an good 26 years, you were always there for me whenever I needed someone to talk to, if I was lonely, and you made me feel good, no matter what. But today I realised that this relationship is not good for me, my body or my family.

We are toxic together, I’m sorry but it’s the truth. Your relationship is bad for not only my body but for my children as well. You no longer make me feel whole and warm, I no longer feel complete when we are together. Instead I feel sick, I want to vomit to make the feeling go away because I don’t know when to stop, I find it hard to breathe and I don’t feel good in anything I wear. My depression is taking over and my relationship with you is the catalyst in my bad health. I don’t want to feel this way anymore!

So I think it’s time that we break up, it’s not you, it’s me… I’m craving something else.

Something that fuels my entire body and not my emotions, something clean, light and weightless, something to give me energy and to show my children that we need to eat to live and not live to eat, so I’m sorry, but I am moving in with healthy eating tomorrow. Please have your stuff out by then. I know you’ll find happiness somewhere, but this girl is screaming to come out and I need to let her.

Me at 73kg 17 years old (2007)
Me at 73kg 17 years old (2007)

Goodbye junk food.

K x

Just stick to something;

Shocker, I have been MIA again! No surprises there eh? I’m not going to make up excuses because there really isn’t one, most people push through an obstacle, i sit and wallow in it.

This past month or so I have been battling with my depression again, nothing too extreme (thank goodness) but enough to listen to the mean girl in my head telling me that i am worthless, that no one cares about what i have to say or the posts and pictures that i put up or even in the real world where no one will care if i join them for coffee because they probably don’t even like me anyway or the hardest one, I don’t want to take my child to school because i don’t want his classmates to tease him for having a fat mom. But I won’t go too much more into it because the things my subconscious tells me are things that you wouldn’t want to hear said to another person. It gets pretty mean up in there.

I have a very unmotivated, lazy and why bother sort of personality that figures nobody cares so why should I, But then there is a pipsqueak little voice deep down that is trying to shout above it and remind me of the dreams I have not only for myself, but for my children too, it wants to tell me to screw what others think and do what I want to do, to push forward because the finish line is so much brighter, i can picture it but i have never seen it and it really is greener over there.

the grass ain’t always greener on the other side. It’s greener where you water it

So i’m walking in my Nana’s footsteps and i’m and going to channel her green thumb because this isn’t the life i want, not by a long shot, and I have so many goals/dreams and things I want to achieve that I don’t have time to keep wallowing in this pathetic little bubble of self loathing and misery, sure it is going to be difficult, and sure i am bound to fail plenty more times but as long as i keep getting back up, I will succeed!

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â–¼VII â–²VIII

Im sick of coming around to another birthday, easter, christmas and suddenly realising that i have just let my life fly by and I have done nothing with it. I want more for myself, I deserve better, and my kids deserve better!

So yet again this is ANOTHER testimony to myself and my readers that I will grow, change and shrink! there are a few plans in the works and i will post more about them at another time but for now i will sign off with a little quote i learned from a Melissa Ambrosini Book “Mastering you Mean girl”

“I love and accept myself unconditionally and wholeheartedly” ~ Melissa Ambrosini

K x

Comparison is a Battle you will Never Win

Today is a normal day, #momlife trip to the supermarket for some essentials, and then i saw her.. A woman I went to Highschool with. This Woman is Stunning, she has the most amazing figure, gorgeous fashion sense, she is a real estate agent so she can afford luxury items and She drives an SUV.

As soon as I saw her, I buckled, I felt like that awkward emo fat girl from school again who felt like I should be losing weight and barely eat to look like her, and get segregated because i’m copying her out of envy.

I Immediately bowed my head hoping she wouldn’t recognise me and then my inner mean girl started talking/yelling in my head “you’re twice the size you were in school, you slob” “haha she has the job, the car, the body and you have nothing” “Kristy, Face it, You’re the BIGGEST Loser ever””You’ll Never be as pretty and successful as her!”

But you Know what, NO! I don’t WANT the Job, I can’t sell to save my life, I want to be a blogger full time. Yeah Okay I’d love a figure like hers but I will work Hard to get a figure that is perfect for me and i will have earned the beautiful slimmer clothing I will be able to wear. Kristy You have 2 amazing children and a Loving Adoring Husband And you have a fantastic life to look forward to.

Moral of the story,581621541-compare

You never know what other people are going through behind the scenes, what they have been through or, what they are going through. We can only see what they want you to see from the outside.

stop-comparing-yourself-others

I will have my perfect life and i have a pretty damn amazing one now.

Dont Compare yourself to others, Its a battle you will never win.

comparing-yourself-to-others-is-an-act-of-violence-against-your-authentic-self-quote-1

Learn to love the person you are and the life you have now, and strive to achieve your dreams.

K x

P.s If you Do Read this I am So proud of the person you are, the hard work you have put in to have the life you have. I hope you achieve all of your life goals and dreams. Hopefully next time I wont be so bitter and embarrassed and I will Say Hello instead of pretending i’m invisible.

p.p.s I have updated this post to more descriptively portray the emotion that went into the encounter. This post was never about her, or her as a person. The simple fact is she inspired the post because of how i regressed to a depressed state when i saw my high school past in front of me, but it was never about her as a person.

Life In a Blender

September dealt me the worst hand i have ever had to experience.

Within 2 months my Nana has gone from Happy, Healthy, Fit, taking multivitamins, regular walks, exemplary diet. a very young 67 year old, to gaunt, barely walking, barely talking, cant get out of bed, minimal appetite. She is no longer the Nana I remember.

My Nana has been diagnosed with a very severe, aggressive case of Melanoma Cancer.

At the rate it is going, we are going to be lucky to see Christmas Day with her.

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I cant even begin to explain the toll this has had on our close knit family, My Aunty (who moved home from Sydney over a year ago and has been residing in the upstairs portion of the family home with her husband and children since) and My Granddad have pulled strength from every ounce of their being to ensure she has the best care she could possibly get, but still she declines.

I don’t really know how to explain this properly or even portray how i feel, I have never lost anyone this close to me before, which is why I haven’t been blogging much, i haven’t been able to control my eating or exercise and the emotional toll its taking is beyond anything i could have prepared for. I know she is going to die, i cant imagine my life without her. She has always been supportive, loving and accepting of me and my decisions, even though i always felt like the black sheep, the failure of the family. My cousin (it was always us 2 grandies, we grew up like siblings) He went to the NZ Army, Got buff, saved his money and traveled… I am morbidly obese, i don’t have a job, nor do i know what career i wanted to pursue, highly depressed and zero self confidence. I’m the Failure. When i found out about her cancer i said to myself that i wanted to do everything i could to prove to her that i’m not the dropkick of the family, I can get healthy and make something of myself, Ill make her proud, then my family told her I felt that way

“I am already proud of her i always have been, she has an amazing family and is a fantastic mother, and that isn’t an easy thing to do”

grandparents-wedding

Well SHIT Nana… picturing her saying those words is the most valuable thing in the world to me, because knowing we may not even ring in Christmas day with her has sent me in so much of a rut that i’m nearing 130 kg and cannot stop emotionally eating.

I know this post is completely spastic and makes zero sense but right now this is my brain, I am so emotionally drained that i can barely function past looking after my children, i’m lucky if i shower more than once a week.. (gross but true)

I felt it was about time i shared whats really been holding me back, i have only told a handful of people and its hard to admit to, people also don’t really understand how serious it is, they assume she has a few years left… nope.. not even 3 months.

She will never see my children into their teens, or turn 21, nor will she see them get married, the chances of seeing my son start his first day at school are slim to none… Im not ready…

 

K x

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It’s the small things

Last week i had one of the most productive “good mom” feeling days I have had in a while, we had plans to meet up with a friend of mine for a picnic at the lake so our children could run around and play while we chat!

So we got up early, packed a huge lunch and even condiments to make sandwiches, we had all kinds of fruit and snacks and set on our way.

Immediately the kids bolted to the playground and daddy was first round spectator while I prepped some sandwiches and played best fiends to pass the time till my friend and her family arrived.

Mid streak of my green leaves in level 66 I heard a lady whisper “excuse me” behind me, it was a gorgeous blonde haired woman in a dilemma, Her daughter had filled her nappy and they had forgotten their baby wipes, Of course I responded with a “Oh my gosh of course, I have been there plenty of times” And handed her the whole packet so she could use as many as she needed.

It made me think about times where I have forgotten something as simple as the baby wipes, I felt useless, the mean girl voice would tell me that i was a bad mom for forgetting something like wipes. Now i’m definitely not saying that she felt this way but we never know what people are feeling or thinking. I would have loved to have had the courage to ask a random person for wipes, for me: I would have just accepted defeat and gone home, despite having only just arrived. So to be able to do something like help a new mom out with a few baby wipes could have helped her make the most of her afternoon in the sun.

Look out for one another, even the smallest thing could change someones life

K x