The Depression is in Me.

Its been about a week since I posted about my depression and the idea that i may be going on medication to help. Well my little fairies, i did it! I am now officially on anti-depressants as of Wednesday last week.

My doctor and i had a wee chat about why i was asking and all that necessary mumbo. As i said in my last post, i do have a previous history of depression in which medication was highly recommended but I was adamant that i didn’t need them, It was the doctors that were crazy and drug happy, not me. I could do it on my own!

Well NO! I couldn’t! 10 years, 2 kids, a marriage and 50kgs later I realized I can’t do it on my own. And that is OKAY! I’m not the supermom/woman that i aspire to be, i’m not as strong as i thought, i tried to prove myself and all i proved was that i’m emotionally weak with a binge eating disorder, no control and totally anxious!– Which by the way, I’ve heard people talk about anxiety but i never really knew what it was or if i even had it, but after a little bit of research and understanding i realize that it’s actually the name for alot of my feelings. I had no idea.

Anywho! :: like i said, my doctor and I had a short chat so she could understand where my head was at after all this time, she could read from my file that there was a history but being a new doctor, she wanted to hear it from me. So she asked me a few questions in which i answered truthfully (for once in my life) she caught me trying to justify those feelings or actions and her response was pretty much reassuring me that i don’t need to justify anything, the way I feel and how I am is okay and quite frankly she is amazed at how i have coped this long with what i have been through. I tried to explain that “I know from the outside it may seem like i have gone through a fair bit, but there are millions of other people out there that are going through or have been through worse” and her response shocked me into reality “But Kristy, That’s not YOUR life, They aren’t YOU” and it resonated with me. I have spent so much time pushing myself and my own feelings under the rug (essentially making them worse) purely because i didn’t think i was worthy of feeling that way, other people i don’t know, or have never met/associated with have been through worse than i have. I felt like i wasn’t worthy of feeling the pain, the emotion, the hurt, the hate and the anger of my past. My doctor was taken a back by the fact that she had to tell me that. So without hesitation the prescription was printing.

It was very surreal to allow myself these feelings after 10 years.

I have been on these meds for just under a week now and they are still kicking in, the first day was amazing, i felt mind clarity and i caught myself smiling out the window a few times, which shocked me because it was a miserable raining day! HaHa! But i felt peaceful, for all i know it could have been a placebo effect of just knowing i was taking them making me feel better, because currently i’m wondering if maybe I need a higher dose. I have been assured it can take a couple of weeks for them to properly kick in so i’m going to wait before I increase it. However, I did forget to take a tablet yesterday and i felt clouded and drained and very tired all day and i didn’t feel better until after a bottle and a half of my fave wine and 4 episodes of Black List snuggled on the couch with my husband while eating bad food. Today I’m back on track, I had breakfast and took my tablets. I haven’t done anything productive but I’m listening to some chill Indie music on spotify, i have applied for 3 new jobs and am writing this post, after which i will be writing my goal list and maybe even an Inspo board. So I guess there might be something to these pills.

Ill keep a weekly or fortnightly update on how i’m doing and how i’m feeling just to keep track for myself and maybe I might help one of you. Just remember, Feeling Anxiety, depression, sadness, anger, fear,worthlessness is OKAY! don’t hide those feelings. Don’t push them aside because you don’t think your worthy of feeling that way. More importantly DON’T BE AFRAID to ask for help. If your healthcare professional isn’t listening or helping you sufficiently then find someone else who will. Each and every one of your feelings ARE VALID. Your allowed to feel that way and your allowed to seek help. ITS ENCOURAGED! I’m here to listen to anyone if you just want an anonymous ear to listen to you, or alternatively you can call your local helpline to seek advice. Please don’t hide, Speak up! The more people who speak up, the less it will be brushed off! Our voices need to be heard!

I love each and every one of you!

K x